Wait, Wait, Wait! So God Cares About This?

My mom came to me this afternoon and told me that she has some things to say, and could I post them on this blog? Delightedly I said yes. Her post came at a perfect time, as I have two or three different posts started trying to address some issues my mom shares so well. So, without further ado... my mom, my mentor, my best friend, my accountability partner:

            This is Erin’s mom. I’ve asked her for some space on her blog. I wanted to write because she sometimes, very generously, portrays me as HER mentor and leader in the Made to Crave journey. While that may have been true in the very beginning, it is certainly no longer true. She seems like a rock to me; I flounder often. So, for those of you who have strong, black and white personalities like Erin’s, you may not understand this blog; but for those of you who often feel weak, who shortly after a moment of victory continue to battle, who whine and fuss about giving up your favorite addiction, this is for you.

            Erin often calls me “gray.” It’s because I vacillate between strength and struggle in my food addiction. I think one of the reasons I do this is because, deep down, it’s hard for me to believe that this issue - overeating, loving food, letting food control me instead of me controlling it - that this issue is important to God, Master and Creator of all things. Certainly, there are so many other things that are weighty to Him! But I think I’m finally getting His message...this issue in my life matters to Him!

            I need to start a few months ago. I was in a very good period of my journey, but feeling weak. I had prayed for strength for the upcoming week. There were faculty lunches, and social get-aways, and favorite restaurants. I knew it would be difficult, and I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore; I didn’t WANT to do it anymore. I wanted to just eat whatever, whenever. God took me to Deuteronomy 9.This chapter comes just after those amazing verses about teaching your children to love God with all their hearts, minds, souls, and strength; to talk of it sitting, standing, walking; to put it on your doorposts and foreheads. THOSE verses that say God wants what? ALL of your love. But as I was facing the next week, fearing that I will lost the battle and give my love to food, I began reading in verse ten. In it, I heard God saying to me, “Amy, you don’t need to worry about this, because I’m going to go before you and destroy your enemy. I’M going to give you victory...no worries.” VERY COOL, I thought. But then He told me why. He said, “Don’t be thinking that I’m going to do this because you are so wonderful and deserving, NO! I’m doing this because your enemy (slavery to food) is wicked. I hate it! I repeat, I’m not giving you victory because you’re good...YOU ARE STUBBORN!” Ouch! But, I have to admit it, when it comes to giving up the food god, I have been stubborn. So, thank you, God!! And boy, did He give me victory! I BREEZED through the next week. I felt like I was just on the edge of the promised land; the land where I can go to faculty meetings without dying to sample the entire snack buffet, or counting every calorie at my favorite restaurants.

But, as I stood on the cusp, I was worried for the next step; I kept thinking what if I go back to enslavement? I read the next section of that chapter in Deuteronomy. God says, “Remember how angry you made me after I freed you from your slavery in Egypt. You constantly rebelled against me until I was ready to destroy you. You kept forgetting who your GOD is; you made an idol!” I felt like I was really beginning to see that in my life, this issue mattered to my God. He HATED my addiction. I was thinking of chapter 5, “Made for More” in Lisa’s book. God made me for more than this, more than being a glutton, more than loving food and being controlled by it, more than eating much more than I needed to. In those verses in Deuteronomy, I felt God telling me, “This idol in your life needs to go. I can’t stand it anymore.” I heard him. I understood him. I entered into a strong period.

How do we go from there to weak periods? I don’t know. All I know is that a girls’ long weekend to Door County took me right back to Egypt. My piggy head was deep in the feeding trough. I ate whatever, whenever for about two weeks, purposely ignoring any prayer or bible reading. When I finally decided the day of reckoning was at hand, I stepped on the scale to see what damage my unrestrained indulgence had bought me. I was fearing 5 or 6 pounds. The actual: 10 pounds. I had not been at this weight for FIVE months. In two weeks I had regained what it had taken me five MONTHS to lose. Wow! Spanking is not the word. I felt as if I had been pulverized. But as I stood in shock and depression, Deuteronomy 9 came back to me: “Remember and never forget how angry you made the Lord your God...constantly rebelling against Him...He was so angry he was ready to destroy you.” He also whispered Hebrews 12:6 in my ear: “For those whom the Lord loves, He disciplines, and he scourges every son whom He acknowledges.” Ten pounds in two weeks is unnatural, it’s exorbitant; it’s the finger of God. With Hebrews 12:6 in mind, I suddenly was feeling VERY loved. I got down on my knees and confessed everything to my Abba. I was assured that He loved me and WILL NOT tolerate my visits to Egypt. The addiction MUST stop. He HATES it in my life; He wants the throne. He doesn’t want to share it any more, at all, with anything. I got up off of my knees quite giddy, actually. I could no longer doubt in any way that God wants this issue of food addiction to be over for me. He’s told me very plainly and had given me severe consequences for my disobedience. What if I fall off again? What will my consequence be? 15 pounds? 20? ALL of my weight back? Okay, okay, I say. I get it. You care; I need to fight this battle ALWAYS.

            All in all, I guess I just wanted to share that it might FOREVER be a struggle, but it’s one that matters. God wants the throne. He hates our enslavement to anything other than Himself.

The Story of the Purple Square Plates

Within a few months of recognizing my act of going to food instead of God for comfort I recognized my desire to shop. I shopped to help me feel better; to help entertain me and the boys; to buy a much needed item; to make my life better. I got all tingly inside thinking about all the things I wanted to bring home. I just knew that once I bought a junk drawer organizer I would be able to function in the kitchen better. I needed to buy my little boys matching trucks so that they would play with them for hours and hours. I needed some strappy brown sandals because they would go with everything I own way better than my strappy brown wedge sandals. And I needed purple plates to match my kitchen decor. It was July 2 when I realized that God hates that I use shopping as a crutch instead of him just as much as he hates that I worship food instead of him. My mom and I were doing a MTC check-in when I admitted this conviction to her. She laughed at me when I told her that I didn’t want to deal with giving up two false idols right now; plus, I really needed those plates. I explained that I have been looking for some solid purple square plates ever since we moved into this house, and I just found them at Shopko yesterday. But God told me not to buy them, and I obeyed! But I think that I need to go back and get them, because they are exactly what I am looking for. I love the square-ness of them, and the purple matches my kitchen perfectly and since I leave my plates out on a shelf in the kitchen they need to match.....


But as the conversation progressed I felt a very strong challenge from God, "Erin- Not only am I saying NO to the plates, but I don't want you to spend a single penny on yourself this month." To try to describe what I felt at that moment is embarrassing, you would think someone- my mom- had died. My stomach flipped and my jaw dropped. I wanted to argue my way out of that challenge. After all- it was only July 2! I said over and over to my mom, "It's impossible. It's absolutely impossible. There is no way... It's impossible. Whatever, God, I'll give it a try... but it's not going to happen. It's impossible... And my plates will be gone! Can't I just start the challenge after I go buy my plates?"


That month was amazing. I cried a lot, and I called my mom a lot. I walked past my plates a lot. But I didn't spend a single penny on myself. Not even for a candy bar. When I got to the end of the month I asked God if I could go get my plates now, and he gave me the thumbs up. When I got there they were on clearance- 70% off. The smile I gave God was too big for my face and I wanted to cry that he would give me such an awesome reward for my obedience. My God got  me through the impossible, and he gave me exactly what I wanted in return. I worship such an awesome God.


I brought the plates home and put away my old farmhouse green ones. I served dinner and put them in the washer. The next morning I put them away on their shelf to be used as decoration. And as I walked by I gave God a little smile and knew that if anyone came over there would be no way they would walk into my kitchen and say, "Huh, why don't her plates match her kitchen? If they are going to be on a display shelf, they shouldn't be green farmhouse plates, they should match the decor." And as I had that thought I realized that I hated my plates. They symbolized all of the ill-founded importance I placed in my special purchases- in objects. I saw my shallowness and my vanity. I saw my naivety and simple-mindedness. I saw an idol that I worshipped that could do nothing for me.


I still hate my plates. But I'm not going to take them down because every time I start focusing on a new chair, or child's toy, or movie, or curtain, I am reminded that I am focusing on a dead idol, when a living, breathing, caring one is willing to give me the time and energy to teach me a long, loving, and freeing lesson through purple square plates.


Following the lesson of the plates, I’ve been learning to live in a constant state of “denial.” It could also be called “self-control”. It could also be called “righteousness.”


 Early, early on in the book- Chapter 6- Lysa talks about those things. As she was trying to answer the question, "How do you grow closer to God?" she brought up the verse, "If anyone would come after me, he must first deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Luke9:23) (60). She answered the question by explaining that we need to intentionally not allow ourselves to have something that is permissible, but not necessarily beneficial. The act of denying ourselves is the real fuel of getting closer to God. When I first read this chapter I passed it over fairly quickly. I understood that she was saying that we can grow close to God if we go to him instead of going to food. Once I got through the book the second time I realized that I was molded enough to truly understand chapter 6. But this time, Made to Crave is no longer addressing my food issues.  Instead, it addresses all of my dead and false idols.