Bad Romance

I want you to know that before sitting down to write this, I had a beautiful bowl of ice cream with caramel topping with some brownie mixed in.
**Note: it was not fat free ice cream and not sugar free caramel topping.**
And what I really want you to know is that I don't have one iota of guilt about it. I enjoyed every bite.
I enjoyed the present that God gave me of my taste buds.
I enjoyed it because my body gave me the signal that I could eat.
I enjoyed it because I didn't stretch my belly in order to get it in.
I enjoyed it so much because God wants me to take pleasure in his creations.

Over the last three months I have been dancing with true freedom. Freedom that doesn't require a food plan. Freedom from constantly being plagued by thoughts of brownies sitting on the counter. Freedom from the irresistable urge to finish my burrito.
I would go a few days without wanting something that my food plan restricts and think, Yay! I'm free! I am healed enough, healthy enough, strong enough to trust that I will make good decisions without considering all my rules all the time! And then I would encounter some pizza, and gleefully take it because I was free of my food plan. As I was eating a piece I thought, "It's time for bed, this is pretty greasy, and it would be a better choice to not eat it." And all of the sudden I WANTED THAT PIZZA. I sat down and wrote about it. For entertainment's sake, here it is:

It feels like...

• I can't think past the moment of taking another bite of cheesy pizza.
• There isn't anything else going on in the world because my eye keeps going to that piece, and once I take a bite I will be able to finish typing, stirring, talking, reading...
• Such a waste to throw it out.
• It won't ever taste exactly like this again.
• What can be so wrong with eating it?
• My mouth feels empty....
• I'm going to do really well tomorrow, to make up for today.
• Chewing it will feel so good.
• Tasting it will send warm tinglys to my heart.

I feel...

• Consumed. That last bite is YELLING at me in the back of my mind. I'm trying to ignore it, but a vision of it's deliciousness pops to mind. I'm trying to focus my attention away, but the voice just gets louder.
• Angry. I've been restrained, self-controlled, deprived for SO LONG.
• Tired. What were my mantras again?
• Uncaring. I've rebelled before, I'll rebel again. I'm still going to heaven. Yada, Yada.
• Hooked. I think I'm making progress and then all the sudden there is something reminding me that I really want another bite.
• Depressed. I will always have to fight tooth and nail to stay thin... I'm such a loser. I'm so weak. I'm so ugly. Why even bother.
• Hopeless. Where is the exit door? What can I do to stop wanting it???

I am sitting at my desk with a piece of Little Caesars Sausage and Grease Pizza. It is 11:16pm. When I took it, my stomach was growling, and therefore it felt okay to have. But the responsible side of my heart told me that I should be going to bed hungry; that I have had enough grease for the day and I should forego this opportunity. When my hunger was satiated about half-way through the cheesy pizza I feverishly took three more bites. That piece of pizza is now sitting in front of me. Yelling at me. And I’m trying to record why such a simple, life-less, inanimate object can take over my mind. It seems so precious and wonderful right now…

For the last three to five months I've been going back and forth, feeling strong and free from food, to writing posts like that. Every time I would be at that weak point I would know, "You are not strong enough yet, Erin. You still need to practice giving up food. You still need to live by the food plan, the rules of good nutrition. The issue of food is still too big for you. You WILL be free. You just aren't yet."

My mom and I have been using lots and lots of imagery to understand our food battles. One of them is that God wants us to be in the promised land. The promised land being a place where we don't feel powerless against food, and actually that food isn't even our enemy. But we have been living in the desert- a place where we believe that food is fun, and comforting, and entertaining, and safe. In the desert we eat to celebrate, to pass the time, to clear our plates, and to make ourselves feel better. We go to food for any occasion and have a hard time understanding why we aren't supposed to. My mom describes herself as carressing the walls of the promised land, but still hanging out in the desert. She's close- so close- to freedom, but for some reason she is still being lured to stay in the desert. I have been in and out of the promised lands' walls. During the last three months I have been spending time wandering the beautiful peace, joy, and freedom of the promised land: of freedom from the food idol. But then I would meander outside and get bludgeoned with overwhelming desire for certain morsels of the food gods.
I believe, 100%, that I can reside in the Promised Land forever. I just need to stear clear of the doors that lead to the desert.

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I took a survey at the beginning of this process, and I wanted to share it with you. It was fascinating to read my answers and see where my mind was.

Page14 of Made to Crave: Participants Guide

1. Briefly review the list of statements below and place a checkmark next to those you feel are true for you.

• I think about food way too much. ~Yes. It is what entertains me through my day.
• My food choices are often high in fat or sugar. ~Yes, Yes, Yes and more please!
  
• I feel embarrassed about my weight or appearance. ~Crying every morning when I get dressed- that means Yes.
• The thought of changing how I eat makes me feel sad. ~More like depressed, scared, angry…Yes.
• I'm reluctant to bring this issue to God. ~Yes.
• I have gained and lost weight several times. ~No, just one big gain, one big loss, and one more big gain.
• I feel defeated and discouraged about issues related to weight or food. ~Ugh. Yes.
• I don't have as much physical energy as I wish I did. ~No. I think I’m all good with my energy.
• When I need comfort, I turn to food before I turn to God. ~Yes. Is that really wrong?
• I say negative things to myself ("You're so fat", "You're ugly," "You're not capable of getting your act together when it comes to food.") ~Pretty much the entire time I’m eating, or getting dressed, or with skinny people.
• I'm not sure this is an issue God cares about. ~Yes... kinda. Except I guess deep down I know that it is.
• I feel guilty or embarrassed about what I eat or the size of my portions. ~Yes. Eating in secret might be a symptom of that.
• I have health concerns that are weight related. ~No.
• I eat food typically considered unhealthy fast food several times a week. ~Yes. I love me my McDouble. And it’s so easy to feed the family. And it’s great entertainment. And I love going out to eat.
• I eat for emotional reasons-- for comfort, out of boredom, to relieve stress. ~YES. I can escape from my whining babies, or make a long day at home go by faster.
• I sometimes feel like food is more powerful than I am. ~Yes. It invades my mind.
• I think that I will always struggle with this issue. ~Yes. That’s just what life is supposed to be, isn’t it?
• I sometimes eat in secret or hide food. ~I have eaten while hiding from my husband....more than once.
• I avoid physical exertion. ~I'm not running marathons, but in day to day life- No I don’t avoid it.
• When it comes to food and weight, I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious cycle and there is no way out. ~Yes. I just want to be skinny again.

2. Based on your responses from the checklist, circle the number below that best describes the degree to which you feel issues with food may be waging war on your soul.

1_____2_____3_____4_____5_____6_____7___X_8_____9_____10

Issues with food      Issues with food      Issues with food
are not waging        are a threat to         are waging war
on my soul.           my soul...                  on my soul.

I took that survey a second time today and I am amazed at the transformation. When I marked my X I was happy to find that it’s home is next to the 3. I wish it were by the 1, but the truth is my mind occasionally tries to wander to the food category and I need to quickly recognize that I’m not hungry and there is no reason to look for something to eat. I am so frustrated and ashamed to admit that I feel weak in my love for food, when I feel so confused about why I have to be so responsible with my food choices.

If you were to take this survey, what number would you be resting at?
It's time to start another Made To Crave study. Anyone want to join me?