• ...but then you're invited to a party. Your friends are quick to say, "Oh come on, just one won't hurt. This is a special day." And that cheesecake does look good. The tortilla chips and salsa are irresistible. This is a special night. You can just start again tomorrow. Or this weekend. Or Monday. Or the first of next month [...] It is so tempting to give in...Pretend it won't matter (49).
She tells me there is a way out of the vicious circle of dieting or being unhappy with my weight...
• It's the denial of a fundamental spiritual truth that will make a healthy eating plan fall apart time and time again (49).
• We were made for more than this[!]...more than being ruled by taste buds(49).
• We are made for the same hope and power that raised Christ from the dead (55).
And then she tells me that now that I have seen the truth, I can't just walk away and continue my spiritual journey at status quo...
• [Becoming] a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control (60).
• "That food choice is permissible but not beneficial- so don't eat it." Food isn't sinful. But when food is what Satan holds up in front of us and says, "You'll never be free from this battle. You will always bounce from feeling deprived when you're dieting to feeling guilty when you're splurging. Victory isn't possible. You aren't capable of self-control with food," we must see that its inappropriate consummation can be his lure to draw our heart into a place of defeat. For others it will be sex outside of marriage, the inappropriate consumption of alcohol, illegal drugs, or some other physical means (61).
• Their destiny is destruction; their god is their stomachs... (Philippians 3:19) (65).
These are the passages that meant something to me and so I wanted to share them. They may not mean the same thing to you- I know my mom has many different passages underlined in her book, but I really wanted to write about the culminating truth that I gathered after reading these passages. And that is that I am not in a constant state of war, or addiction, or deprivation. I’ve just been deceived into confusion. I needed to identify the steps that take me into that state of depraved confusion and so... viola:
STEP ONE: BELIEVE A LIE
I have always known that some of Satan's names are King of Lies and the Deceiver, but I never really knew it. He is such a crafty liar! Oh. My. Word. These are common lies that I get snagged on:
I won't enjoy myself at events if I'm not enjoying the food...
Food will make my bad day better...
Those kinds of candy bars are only offered once a year...
I have done so well all week, I can 'have off' for supper tonight...
It's not fair that I can't eat like my skinny friends...
I worked so hard on this meal, I deserve to eat it...
We spent so much money on this food and I can't take it home with me, so I shouldn't waste it...
I made the food plan, I can change the food plan...
As my mom and I would talk about why were went off our food plan, we would get embarrassed as we were saying- out loud- our justifications, which seemed so petty and foolish, especially outside the moment of indulgence. The more I recognized the "justifications" to eat something off of my food plan, the more I realized that Satan works very hard to deceive me into being a slave to food.
STEP TWO: INSERT EAR PLUGS
It's amazing how quickly I can get ear plugs in my ears so that I can't hear the Spirit's soft guidance. I can shut out His voice and cling to whatever lie is being dangled in front of me. The quicker I get those ear plugs in, the less the lie seems like a lie and looks more like common sense... as long as I don't give it too much thought.
STEP THREE: EAT FAST, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT
When I am shoveling food into my mouth I realize that that is a symptom that I am in the middle of the FAIL Process. I want to eat the rest of my plate before the Spirit's voice breaks through my ear plugs, and I make sure to avoid the people who help me see the truth. Sometimes that means hanging out in the kitchen long enough for me to finish chewing so that my mom or my husband won't know that I have eaten something. Often that means that I keep my eyes on my bowl of chili instead of taking part in conversation around the table.
Example of the Process: Today I am finally baking my sourdough bread (made from scratch) and we are honoring the snow with beef stew. Around 11 am my stomach is roaring and I am ready to eat lunch. As I look at the cookbook for the next step up bread making I realize that I still have two more hours to wait while the dough needs to rest and rise for the zillionth time. I decide to join my two year old for a small macaroni and cheese lunch while the 'adult' meal finishes up. Two hours later the bread smells delicious and the stew is done. I let "the guys" (my husband and brother-in-law) know but they decide to take their time coming to the table. I'm feeling a little relieved because my stomach is growling yet (still processing the mac and cheese) so I head to the couch to read my book. Five minutes later the guys are up and dishing their food. I take a breath. I'm not supposed to join them, I'm not hungry yet. I go to look in the crock pot to check on it and I slice some bread for the guys. I decide that I'm due to be hungry anytime now and I want to sit with a couple of adults and share the experience of Stew And Bread. I worked SO hard the bread and it's not fair that I can't enjoy it fresh out of the oven [Step one: believe the lies! The truth is that I can sit at the table and enjoy adult conversation without food in my mouth, and I will be able to enjoy all my hard work if I just wait 45 minutes longer]. As I scoop my bowl and cut my bread I turn my mind off, and keep my thoughts away from the action at hand [Step Two: insert ear plugs]. I start eating and purposefully avoid my husband’s gaze just in case he is going to do his job as my partner and verify that I am allowed to partake [Step 3: eat fast, don't make eye contact].
The thing is- I didn't enjoy the stew. I've gotten so accustomed to adding the best ingredient of hunger to everything I eat that it didn't taste good, and I didn't actually even like the flavoring. But I had turned my brain off and was in the middle of mindlessly eating- just the way Satan wants me to be.
Recognizing that my food addiction, my problem with gluttony, my love of food is all just one big masterpiece that Satan has been working on for years was one of the many truths that made me feel free. It made me feel empowered! My eating is not a problem within me- it's just directed at me. It's not within my nature to have this problem, I am free of it. And just like I say "No" to Satan when he urges me to steal, or lie, or kick over garbage cans, I can also say "No" to him when he wants me to eat something off of my food plan. Whenever I am looking at a piece of food, or hankering for a second helping of macaroni, or fantasizing about making bread I ask myself, "What lie am I believing right now?" Sometimes I have a hard time pin-pointing the lie. I'll call out a little prayer to God, and sometimes I'll hear his answer, but sometimes the voice in my head beckoning me is too loud, so I'll need to get a hold of my mom (quickly) so she can help pinpoint the lie. Once I've found that lie it is SO EASY to say NO to cupcakes, or second helpings.
Example of the interrupting the Process: I'm on my way to Subway to pick the family up some dinner. I can't stop thinking about the cookies there. I think, "The reason I put cookies on my No No Food Plan is because I was eating so much of them that I just had to get it under control. It's been months since I've had a cookie, and I am only seven pounds away from my goal weight. I'm just going to change my food plan to allow an occasional cookie. I'm not worshipping the cookie; I am very in control of my actions. I am thinking through this process and I'm not being frivolous [lie]. Cookies are officially allowed. And I'm going to get one tonight." [earplugs] My mantra "What lie am I believing right now?" flitted through my mind before I put both ear plugs in and I called my mom to tell her that my food plan is officially changed. She said that, True, I can change my food plan, but I should do it tomorrow, when I am not hearing the voice of the cookie in my head, and that I shouldn't get the cookies tonight. I was believing the lie that I deserved the cookie after losing some weight, and the lie that I clear-headed enough to change my food plan at that moment.
Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com
erinconfesses@yahoo.com
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