I just read through many of my old posts. It's so great to see the differences in the girl who wrote those and now the girl who just read them. One of the things I read was how much I didn't want to give up baking a batch of cookies and eating most of them or dipping my fries in mayo. I remember tying so much happiness to those things! Well, I haven't baked a batch of cookies and I haven't dipped a fry in mayo for eight months, and I have been just as happy, if not more so. I have a handful of posts that I started but I couldn't figure out how to finish them. As I was reading those posts I realized that I am having a hard time finishing them because I am trying to write them as the girl who began this blog. I started this journey in a dark room that kept me in a vicious cycle of loving food, hating my body, and feeling powerless to change anything. Over the last eight months lights have slowly been turned on and I found the door out. I am now living free in my world but I'm still trying to talk to those in the room as if I'm right there where I began. I have slowly been forgetting the language of gluttony but when I write I'm trying to remember how to speak it. I started this blog because the lights had just been turned on and I wanted to turn to my fellow roommates and say, "Hey! There is a way out! There is a way out! Come on!" I still desperately want that for all my former roommates, but I need to reach out naturally and from outside the dark room, instead of acting as if I'm still in it.
I'm not at all saying that I am all better. There is, still, a siren's song luring me to that old room. When I reached my goal weight I allowed myself the No No's. Victoriously, I didn't even bother with them for a week; but once I had my first cookie I drifted to the dark room and didn't notice a lasso being put on my neck to draw me in further. I wasn't eating the entire batch in one sitting, but I was eating two or three a day which was a shock to my physical system and my spiritual system was saying "Hey, are we calling the shots here, or are those cookies?" I was stunned by how quickly I could be drawn back into the dark room. I needed to step away from the fight entirely- to run full tilt away from the room so I could properly clear my mind and put on my armor. I made a huge pot of noodles and veggies and that was all I ate for an entire day and a half. Lysa introduces the first chapter saying "You crave what you eat/[You] crave what [you] focus on" (19/23), and I needed to redirect my focus.
I learned quickly that I can't play around the door of that dark room, because I still get drawn in way too easily. Lysa describes this exact situation in chapter 15. She saw herself struggling parallel with a situation her dog was in. She tells us of her very excitable and energetic dog who broke her leg. The doctor told her that she needed to stay still and restful for three weeks (of which Lysa was sure was impossible). By the third week the dog was begging to run outside but Lysa knew the dog's leg wasn't healed enough to make the run, even though the dog was feeling strong and healthy. The leg was still too broken to handle that kind of freedom. And that's exactly where I am right now. I'm still too broken to handle full freedom, a food plan with no rules. I had to put all my No No's back on my list though I do allow for a once a week treat (which sometimes I take and sometimes I don't). One day I will be strong enough to have the option of a cookie every day; and I know that God won't quit working on me until I am.
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