I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Thi- Oh! A Brownie!

Before I dive into describing life on my new food plan, I need to make an amendment to my previous blog. My food plan was originally a little different and within the first week of living by it I had to change it again. The plan I shared originally was:

·         Eat ONLY when my stomach is growling hungry.

·         Eat ONLY one serving at a time (yes, I need to measure out my cereal, pasta, and ice cream with my 3/4 cup measuring cups).

·         NO cakes.

·         NO cookies.

·         NO deep-fried foods.

·         NO pastry/ quick breads

I also had on it:    Unlimited amount of fruit and veggies.

I planned on using that allowance to fill the in between times, of when I wasn’t hungry but I was wanting to eat something, and I planned on the fruits and veggies replacing my need for cookies and cakes. But very quickly, I realized that I didn’t need that allowance. If I was feeling munchy in the middle of day I recognized that as my body calling out for spiritual food, because my stomach certainly wasn’t growling. I didn’t need to run to that apple, instead I sang a worship song. As I passed delicious smelling doughnuts and my mouth watered and I started to feel desperate, the image of Jesus on the cross next to that doughnut came to mind. I felt that if I couldn’t turn away from that doughnut, then that doughnut owned me. So instead I would say (often out loud), “You don’t own me. I am FREE from you to turn and walk away.” Again, there was no need to miserably chew on carrot sticks to distract my tongue from the delicious pastry. So though I can still eat as many fruits and veggies as I want, I eat them solely for nutritional value and not as a crutch.

Don’t be fooled. I wasn’t cured within a week. I was just in the honeymoon stage. There are definitely some very high ups and some very low downs. Since my mom was a week ahead of me in the process I was able to anticipate which roller coaster adventure I could look forward to. We had a lot of fun in the honeymoon stage together, planning on buying skinny clothes and reveling in the freedom from food we were experiencing. But man, oh man, the day after the honeymoon...

Early on in the book Lysa admits to sitting on her closet floor crying. Yes, crying. Neither my mom nor I fully understood why she was crying in the middle of this process. I had never cried because of a diet. I certainly never cried after losing some weight. So I just shrugged her off and marked her down as an emotional person. And then I got a call from my mom one night. Her nose was running and she was talking very haltingly. Fettuccine Alfredo was calling her name, and is was yelling so loudly she couldn’t hear anything else. She wanted to be done counting calories. She wanted to find enjoyment and happiness in a big bowl of pasta. She wanted to ignore what it meant to ignore the food plan, dive into fleshly indulgence, and fill herself to the brim. But she couldn’t just walk away from the truth of her food idolatry. As she talked through this process with me I was happy for her, but I couldn’t empathize yet. I was still honeymooning. I chalked this phone call up to a really addicted person.

I was genuinely surprised when my honeymoon ended a week later. I was angry that day. I didn’t want to wait to be hungry anymore. I wanted to have two bowls of cereal. I wanted to eat a French fry.  I wanted to find my usual physical and mental comforts in food again. I wanted to be friends with food again.  I was angry with God for showing me truth; truth of my idol worship; truth that eating what I wanted when I wanted equaled giving Jesus the finger. I desperately wanted to shut my mind off to how I had ingrained Jesus into my eating life. And I cried. Hard. I told God how angry I was. I told him that I didn’t know what to do now that the image of Jesus dying on the cross came to mind every time I took a second piece of pizza. I told him that I didn't want to give him the finger but if that means that cake would never enter my mouth again I wouldn't be able to promise anything. I tried to persuade myself that I'm not bowing down to mayonnaise, I'm just enjoying the gifts of food that God has given me.

God used my mom’s vocal cords that night so that I couldn’t use any excuses that I didn’t hear him loud and clear.  I ended that day still in obedience, but I resembled my two year crying his heart out while holding his hand just centimeters away from the object he isn’t allowed to touch. I spent that week "obeying" by waiting for my stomach to let me know when I can eat, but while I waited I daydreamed about which things I was going to eat next. As soon as I felt the faintest of hunger pangs I jumped up and headed for my third piece of cheesecake that day. Technically I was still in obedience, but really I was just caressing the Twinkie behind my back while watching Jesus suffocate to death. At the end of that week I had a therapy session with my mom and as I talked through my actions I was shocked to realize that after all that battling, and angst, and depression, I could hardly remember what foods I had so desperately longed for.

Chapter 4 of Made to Crave talks about needing an accountability partner but I didn’t realize how vitally important it was, at least for me. Over and over again she was a direct link from God’s voice to my ears. She would remind me of the truths that I would somehow forgot about, or as she shared her own epiphanies that God gave her, my mind opened up to more freedom. God used us as very effective tools for each other. He even invaded each of our dreaming worlds on more than a few occasions. One day I was trying my best to ignore God and I finished Tommy’s plate after every meal. I was planning on keeping it a secret and just starting over the next day, but when I saw my mom that next day she said, “So, I had a dream that you were eating anything and everything you wanted! It was so realistic I woke up feeling so sad for you!” My jaw dropped and my face went red. I admitted my rebellion to her and we were amazed at God’s involvement. Another awesome experience was when I woke up having dreamt that my mom was eating a cookie and told me that she was done with “this whole thing.” As per custom after waking up, I checked my email and decided to send her a note describing my dream. Within minutes I got a reply back saying that she still had remnants of cake in her mouth that she wanted to secretly eat. Wow. Neato, huh? 

I’m not saying that you need a person in your life to do this successfully, because God is all powerful and he does care enough to help you through this alone. But I’m sure that without my mom’s flesh and blood I would have been able to successfully ignore the spiritual spankings.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

Dieting: If at First You Don't Succeed, Find Another Diet... or Just Eat a Twinkie

Lysa's book is not the final, end-of-cellulite, look-no-further diet plan. It is a guide through your own personal diet plan. But she actually wants us to throw out our "diets." Diets don't work.  To quote her: "My changes were always temporary, so my results were always temporary"(38).  It seems silly to state the obvious, but for some reason I have a hard time absorbing the obvious, which is that the real solution is a lifestyle change. Ugh.
Alright. So step one of the lifestyle change: evaluate a healthy food plan that I can maintain for the rest of my life.
Before we set up our food plans, she asks us some questions:

If you were to plot out your usual diet plan what does it look like?

Beginning: I sit down with my graphs and charts, and make a grocery list. I plan out salads and proteins and fruit snacks. I get very excited to finally be doing something about my weight.

Middle: There is no middle.

End: I avoid the healthy fruits and veggies, planning on enjoying my last day (Er- days) of freedom, until they are too old to eat. When I discover that the food has (finally) gotten bad, I hide a smile as I throw it all out. As I walk away from the garbage can, a form of depression hits. I eat some of my favorite foods- maybe to soothe my spirits, maybe out of defiance to the diet- and give myself a pep talk promising that I won't stay this size forever, eventually something is going to happen and I am going to be skinny again. Somehow. Then I effectively close off my mind to the ideas that I even have a problem with food.

What is your biggest fear about choosing or following a food plan?
I fear feeling deprived all the time. I fear not eating all my favorite foods whenever I want to. I fear giving up baking a batch of cookies once a week and I fear going out to eat and not dipping my fries in mayo. Those are such fun surprises that I give myself. Those things are something to look forward to in my day. Without them life will be depressing instead of fun.

Which is why my entire body starting rioting when I read Lysa's food plan:

• Limited Carbs
• Limited Starch
• Allowed: Low-Fat Meat
• Allowed: Fruits and Veggies

The plan I decided for myself seems so free in comparison; it allows me to not change my shopping lists and to feed my two year old without cooking two meals. It caters to me and my specific needs. I had to narrow in my biggest issues with overeating so I could pinpoint where to begin with my food plan. My biggest problem is not obeying my body when it tells me it doesn't need anymore food. If someone says dinnertime, that means I need to eat dinner, whether or not I am licking my fingers having consumed half a bag of Doritos; or if JJ surprises me with a special ice cream treat, I can't just let it go to waste even though I'm not feeling hungry, because apparently I would rather go up a pant size than waste $1.19 and see that beautiful Twix Ice Cream Bar in the garbage can.

So my food plan looks like this:

• Eat ONLY when my stomach is growling hungry.
• Eat ONLY one serving at a time (yes, I need to measure out my cereal, pasta, and ice cream with my 3/4 cup measuring cups).
• NO cakes.
• NO cookies.
• NO deep-fried foods.
• NO pastry/ quick breads

It took my a long time to commit to write the No-No foods.
This food plan is suppose to be life-long, but in all honesty, once I reach my goal weight I am going to allow myself the No-No foods (within the structure of the first two rules). 

So what now?
Now it's time for step two. Which is sticking to that plan. Now that I know what I am allowed to eat and when I am allowed to eat it, anything off of that plan is a **fleshly indulgence**.
Popping the last of Tommy's muffin in my mouth: a fleshly indulgence.
Taking a bite of macaroni from the serving spoon right after I stir up the butter and cheese: a fleshly indulgence.
Not measuring my portions because I'm at a birthday party: a fleshly indulgence.
I had to call my mom a lot the first couple of weeks because I had a hard time understanding exactly what was so wrong with fleshly indulgences. 
We talked about Exodus 20: 3-4, "You may have no other gods before me. You may not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in the heavens above, the earth beneath, or the waters below. You may not bow down to them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God." I always took those to be about wooden statues or the sun or a cow. But it's bigger than that. Websters dictionary describes idolatry as "the worship of a picture or object as a god." Worship is defined as 1)"the act of showing respect and love for a god (especially by praying with other worshipers)" and 2) "excessive admiration." To bow is "to cease from competition or resistance."
This verse is no longer about lost Israelite's making golden calves. Its about walking by a buffet of food and it calling out to me. It all looks yummy. But I'm not hungry. But I love that food. I love how it tastes. It feels harder and harder to say NO to that food. Eventually the craving of my tongue is louder than my full belly and I cease to resist this temptation. I have now bowed to something I admire, and it was not the Creator of the universe. I have let food control my actions. I have committed idolatry.
My mom talked about the imagery she uses to remind her about what those fleshly indulgences actually are. She sees Jesus- her savior, her friend, her replacement on the cross- on his throne, and when she eats something that is not on her food plan she is taking Jesus off of his throne and putting that Suzy Q in his place.
The imagery that I use now, and it makes my knees buckle sometimes, is Jesus on the cross, broken and dying. Next to him is a table with the last of Tommy's muffin on it. And if I choose to pop that muffin into my mouth I am bowing down and worshipping that bite of muffin instead Jesus. As he watches.

We each need to find our own way of understanding this battle between God and food. What's yours?

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

**Glutton's Dictionary**

Fleshly Indulgence: Taking unrestrained pleasure

I Would Enjoy Galatians Better With Twix

The week after my mom talked to me about how the ideas of the book are actually affecting her life, I opened up the first few pages of the workbook and felt drawn and comforted by the questions. They weren't hard, and in fact, they were enjoyable to think on and write about. I was immediately struck by the hope that this book offered and I dived in emphatically.
I don't give "nutrition"/"self-help" books much credit because they lack the one thing that makes them readable: they don't speak my language. It's the unique language of Gluttony. It's a tricky language, either you get it or you don't. I'm pretty sure skinny people and all nutritionists don't. But within just a few pages of Made to Crave, Lysa TurKeurst proved to me that she could speak my language.
My goal in publishing this blog is to show other women that I, too, speak the language of Gluttony and to offer the same transparency and connection that Lysa offered to me. Lysa, however, is a pro at this writing thing, and I just enjoy the clicks of the keyboard so I hope to just direct your attention to the ideas she has so clearly laid out and to document the way her ideas touched this one woman.


To effectively record my journey, I am posting my answers to just a few of the questions and reflections that are offered each week. I urge you to answer these questions for yourself.
Here goes...

How would you describe the kinds of foods you typically eat to satisfy a craving?
Soft, fluffy, chewy, greasy, sweet/ cakes, cookies, pizza, candy bars 

What is it about this food that you enjoy so much?
I love looking online at the pizza specials and picking which pizza to eat. I love fantasizing about how it will smell, and feel in my mouth. I love deciding "I want some cookies" and getting up to make a homemade batch. I love impulsively grabbing a candy bar and opening the wrapper. What a fun little surprise I've just given myself! The anticipation in between the decision to eat something and getting that something into my mouth brings my so much excitement.

How do you feel before eating that food?
Giddy, hopeful, excited!

(The next few questions made me sit on my couch and really think. As I answered them I felt like a new, novel, absurd realization began to appear):

How do you feel about that food while you are eating it?
Happy at first: The chocolate is melting in my mouth, the garlic is making my mouth water for more. I love licking off the butter that is running down my finger. I can't help but moan a little when my tongue swishes through the cool whip. But... actually... after the hunger is satiated... I feel a little disappointed that it isn't as good as I had been fantasizing. I spent so much time imagining how wonderful it was going to be but as I chew I start thinking about what I could add to it or change to make it better.  

Or on the other hand, I don't even realize I'm eating it after the first three or four bites and I'm on autopilot finishing my plate. 

How do you feel about that food after you have eaten it?
I usually feel physically sick from having eaten too much.  I feel shameful for the amount I ate or the money I spent on it. I'm suddenly VERY aware of my fat. If I haven't stuffed myself I am thinking about what I want to eat next because you can't eat sweet and not end on salty.

I was also asked to think about my cravings- more specifically, to think behind those craving- and figure out what it is that I am really wanting.  I was stumped on this one and spent a lot of time on the couch fidgeting with my pen. Finally it was  clear to me that what I am looking for is entertainment and, most of all, fulfillment. I become certain that my life will be better and more complete once I am savoring a cookie.
I was surprised when I realized that I am looking for completeness. My cravings always felt as simple as- well, a craving. But as I spent time thinking about how God designed me to crave him I began wondering about how simple that craving was.
On page 30 of Made to Crave Lysa talks about trying to make the switch from answering cravings with food to answering cravings with God. She writes, "Each time I craved something I knew wasn't a part of my plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray. I craved a lot. So, I found myself praying a lot."  In all honesty, this paragraph made me a little sad. I still didn't want God to replace my pudding cup. From the beginning, it was clear that "God" was what makes the difference, but I think I was still hoping that I didn't actually have to incorporate him into my eating life. She invites us to write a prayer to him and this is what mine looked like:

Lord, you know I love you. I know that your way is the best way, and I am so thankful to be yours. You bring peace, and security, and wisdom, and joy. But I really don't believe that you bring fun.  I'm pretty sure that you aren't as fun as shopping for a pizza online. I often eat when I am bored and baking cookies and eating the batter is so entertaining! It seems like going to read the Bible would actually just make me more bored... I know that you bring joy, but I doubt that you bring FUN.            

Even though I may have doubts about how God can actually fill my cravings, I am reminded of the Matthew 17:20:

  "You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

         
Mustard seeds must be bigger in America, because even though God is my Lord, I don't think I have enough faith... yet.




Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

But... I Don't Want to Not Want Brownies...

Let's talk about how the whole Made to Crave thing began.

Sometime in April, 2011...
Sitting on the couch at my mom’s house . She tells me that she is down 3 lbs and is really excited about the way she’s doing it. A few weeks prior, she had told me that she and her sisters are reading Made to Crave but I hadn’t given it much thought. I certainly wasn’t interested in reading it. Tonight she tells me that she thinks this "Get-Skinny-Go-Round" might actually be different.

Our conversation loosely went like this:

Amy: This whole thing is different because I feel like I'm not having as many **battles** as I usually do. When I saw the Suzy Q I knew that it wasn't on my food plan so I didn't even think about eating it!

Erin's Inner Monologue: Well, I am not going to give up Suzy Q's.... I just want to lose weight and eat Suzy Q's at the same time.

Erin's Voice: Oh. Cool. Good for you. I definitely still want Suzy Q's.

Amy: It has become so clear to me that overeating is like looking at Jesus my savior, beaten, bloody, and dying on the cross and then turning around to the table behind me to say loving things to my precious Suzy Q. I am choosing a friendship with my Suzie Q instead of a friendship with my Lord,  who DIED for me, unlike my Suzie Q, who I am pretty sure would never do that ....

Erin's Inner Monologue: Oh come on, don't bring God into it. Isn't that a little extreme? Eating a Suzy Q isn't sinful.

Erin's Voice: So, you can't ever have a Suzy Q again, if you want to obey God?

Amy: No, that's not it. I'm changing. I've realized that I would rather be with God than have a Suzy Q.

Erin's Inner Monologue: Hm. Honestly, most days I would rather eat a Suzy Q. And I like wanting to eat Suzy Q's. They are fun. And yummy. And comforting. I don't want to not want them.

Erin's Voice:  Well, good luck with that. It sounds like a good diet for you.

Amy: It's funny, because this book isn't actually a diet. It's more of a "how to" diet. But even then, she strongly encourages us not to diet.  She addresses the issues we all have of knowing what we're supposed to do, but not wanting to do it. She talks about the days when you just want to eat everything in the whole world. 

Erin's Inner Monologue: Really? She said "wanting to eat everything in the whole world..." she knows about my preferred diet plan!  

Amy: She describes how God designed our bodies to crave. But he wants us to crave him. I can't even count the number of times I wasn't sure what I wanted to eat so I dug through the cupboards until I found chocolate chips, but half an hour later I went back to the chocolate chips because they didn't fill the craving.

Erin: Yeah... I'm always saying "I want to consume something... but what?"

Amy: Exactly. We recognize that we are craving something, but we keep misdiagnosing it with food! Which is why we are always going back for it!

Erin:  So...I'm confused again.  Eating is wrong? Food is sinful?

Amy: No. We are allowed to eat. And we are allowed to enjoy what we're eating. That's why we have "Food Plans" instead of diets.Our food plan is a realistic plan of healthy day to day eating. If we're eating something that isn't on our food plan, then it's a fleshly desire- a craving. 

Erin's Inner Monologue: So right now, I'm really wanting that left over pizza. But I'm not hungry for it, I can just hear it calling my name. Would eating it be wrong? I don't care, I'm going to go get that pizza. I'll eat it in the kitchen so my mom doesn't know.

Erin: Wow, Mom. This definitely sounds optimistic. I hope it works for you.

I still didn't want to bring God into dietary habits. I purposefully put him from my mind and tried eating any and all food ignoring the ideas that my mom planted.  But as I was opening different cupboards and checking the freezer again for a snack I kept being reminded that my body might be calling out for something else. I began thinking about my body as a different entity from my soul.  I thought about Jesus entering Jerusalem the week before he died as people hailed and rejoiced in him. He told his disciples, "If [the people] keep quiet, the rocks and the trees will cry out." (Luke 19:40)  In the same way, my body was crying out to God because I (my soul) was not.

By the end of the week I wasn't sure if I could continue to ignore my bodily cravings and maintain my current relationship with God.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

**Glutton's Dictionary**

Battle: Strongly desiring a particular food but knowing that you shouldn't eat it.