Humph.

As I have been slow to post anything new, I have felt God asking me if I have any homework that I should be doing. I knew He was talking about this blog. From the beginning He was the one that urged me to start it. I had thought that He would use my transparency to encourage other people; but as I am here today, this blog is actually meant to encourage me. Having reached my goal weight I stopped reading the last couple chapters of the book, I stopped focusing every thought on the concepts and truths that have gotten me through the last 42 pounds, and I slowly drifted away from the joy that God has given me. I haven't ignored the truths and dived into my old ways, and I haven't gained any new pounds; but this journey isn't over, and this blog isn't supposed to be over yet either.

This morning I was wandering my house wondering what I should do, how I should fill my time. Without food, I felt at a loss and I began thinking more and more about finding something to eat or having another cup of really creamer-y coffee. God again asked me, "Don't you have some homework that needs to be done? A book that should be read? A blog to post?"

    I answered, "I don't really know what to say in the blog."

   "Well, have you read the last few chapters of the book?"

   "Um, no. But when I glanced at them last time it just seemed to repeat everything and it didn't seem to be very helpful."

   "That's because you weren't ready for those chapters yet. This is a process,  Erin. You hadn't gone through the fire long enough to understand those chapters yet. Read them. They will mean something to you now. Do the homework I've assigned."

One of the chapters in Made to Crave is titled "The Curse of the Skinny Jeans".  She shares a thought we all have had (... well, except for skinny people and nutritionists...),"If only I could put on those skinny jeans, my whole world would fall into place and put a permanent smile on my face" (120). That has been my theme thought of the last five years. At all social gatherings, I believed that if I could be wearing my skinny clothes I could enjoy my time so much better. I wouldn't be embarrassed; I would be confident. At playgroups, I saw my friends handling parenthood so well, and there was a part of me that believed that it's because they don't have to be ashamed of their bodies; they can be sprite, sexy mammas who don’t have to waste time and energy hiding their hips. When my husband and I would meet up with his old school friends, I would feel badly that my husband couldn’t show off a thin and beautiful wife to his old chums; that he chose a wife that got fat. Everything else in the world could be better if only I were in my skinny jeans. Today I am comfortably wearing my skinny jeans . How are things, you ask? Let’s talk about that.
   I'm sure no one will be surprised to find that I am feeling down, bored, frustrated, tired, and thanks to my greasy hair and coffee breath I'm not feeling very sexy.
   I am also surprised to see a lot of fluffiness that I didn’t know accompanied this weight and I think my body is still showing consequences of sinful eating. I am back on my “No No Foods” and hope to lose a few more pounds.
  I now have a free space in my mind that is designated for Jesus food that used to be consumed with plans for lunch- or shame.  This is a cool change in me. From the beginning I kept thinking that being so focus minded on God would be boring and dull. Remember that prayer I wrote to God early on, "I don't believe that you are any fun!"? It is a lie that Satan has used and is still very effectively using. But one night I was in the middle of a forty-five minute drive home and I was letting my mind wander. Since I didn't have the kids with me, I automatically started thinking about which drive thru I was going to go through or which snack I should pick up at the grocery store. Before my mind even formed a full thought I gladly dropped the idea. I wasn't hungry. No reason to make any stops. And then my mind was blank. There wasn't anything else calling for my attention. And so I smiled and said "Hey," to God. I laughed with him about how my mind didn't know what to do if it wasn't worshipping the food idol. That night I felt pure JOY and I didn’t know that JOY was so much fun.
   But if I’m not filling that space with prayer, praise, joy, service, or scripture it's just another place that can easily get filled up with lies, confusion, and pain.

Today I haven’t been eating Jesus food, and I have found that I still don’t handle boredom well. I keep forgetting why I can’t munch on crackers with my kids, especially since I haven’t stuffed myself for months. Lysa talked about the cravings, and that they are actually signs that our souls are crying out for Jesus food. But those truths and epiphanies didn’t seem as weighty and helpful. It didn’t seem like using food to fill my boredom was a craving- it felt like it was a form of entertainment- just like reading a book or watching tv.  And so, even though my belly was not asking for food, I would sit and slowly chew my cracker and think about all the skinny people who get handfuls of crackers all the time. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mom and we were having a Made to Crave check-in that I began getting clarity about my crackers. She was drowning with her desire for food and we spent some time pulling her out of the sea of gluttony. As I listened to her talk about the food she wants and the lies she was believing I realized that in wanting to use food in any way, shape, or form outside of using it for fuel, I was putting my floating inner tube in the water and wanting to float and play with the dangerous sea. The lie that I was believing was that I was strong enough to be in the sea without drowning in it. My curse of the skinny jeans is that I feel more powerful than I actually am against my food foe. I still need to fight just as hard, and stay just as wary to stay in the freedom that God has given me from food enslavement.  I'm not a "skinny person" who gets to put her floaty on any sea and play happily. There is a collar with my name around and Satan is antsy to get me back into slavery with a cracker.