It's been a few months since I've written anything and a lot has happened in those months.
It seems like after all this time, after all these epiphanies, after all my talk of freedom I could check this food struggle off my list and say, "Victorious! Done!"
At one point Lysa asks us what victory over our food issues would look like. At the time I answered, "true victory would manifest itself when I'm pregnant with the hoped for 3rd baby, the numbers on the scale are steadily going UP, and I am still free to push my dinner plate aside and opt for eggs instead of a donut." Well, God has blessed me with a third baby and I am currently six months pregnant.
Victorious? Done?
I want to say, "I fought hard. I did pretty darn well. I'm doing so much better than I did with my prior pregnancies." And that is all true. I have worked at making good choices, cutting out snacks and sugars, and eating regular sized portions. But the answer is a very clear and bold NO.
So I guess it's time to dive into the "why not?" I can bring up two solid reasons. One of which is old news, and one of which is a new weapon Satan is using on me. We'll start with the familiar power struggle between God and myself.
God has spent a lot of time teaching me about the difference to say NO to things within my own power, and saying NO to them with Jesus by my side, his hand on my shoulder. I had a revelation one morning when I really wanted to finish off someone's pancakes.
I looked at the pancakes.
I thought "I want them. They taste good."
I sighed, as the familiar feeling of denial seeped into my heart.
I pushed them away. Because I knew that I didn't need them. Because I knew that God didn't want me to eat when I wasn't hungry. Because I knew I would feel better by not eating them, in the end.
And then I heard God whisper, "Let me help you. Let me be with you while you push those pancakes away."
I felt so confused. "But, God, I won. I pushed them away. I'm not bowing down to a false food idol."
"But let me be with you."
So I brought the pancakes back to me and just told him what I felt about them. "I want them. The syrup has soaked in and they were extra yummy this morning... Help me push them away." And the constant feeling of self-denial left my heart and was pushed away with those pancakes. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel sad that I was missing out. Rather, I felt like I was just chilling with my friend. I was able to turn away from the pancakes and smile at God.
"OH! Wow. Saying NO was a lot more fun doing it with you instead of just for you."
I still struggle with wanting to dig deep into my own will and say no to things instead of asking God to be with me. And because I keep relying on my own will I am giving into larger portions and extra snacks more than I should. And that was going on when I was I normal non-pregnant woman. This pregnancy is taking it's toll on me emotionally. I cry my heart out nearly once a week. Sometimes it's because my little boys are extra needy, extra whiny, and extra aggressive with each other. But mostly it's because I forget that the crumbs fall out of the toaster if I lift the toaster up at all, or because I forgot to use a coupon that would have saved me twenty cents on my biscuits. Being in this emotionally crippling state obviously doesn't give my will much of a backbone to say no to food. And even though I was learning a lot about how to rely on Him instead of myself I wasn't in the habit before Crazy Crying Erin took over. So after months of this power struggle I've reached a low point. The lowest point I've been at since I first heard about Made to Crave. This morning I ate five homemade chocolate chip cookies before 8am. Actually, I think I ate one or two more because there was only a few left, and it made sense to me to just eat them all up right now so that I wouldn't have to battle with them later on. (I could probably admit to you now that that particular strain of reasoning is one I want to use a lot). I ate many chocolate chip cookies yesterday too, and I thought about calling my mom to say, "Help! I am drowning in my desire of food!" but I really wanted to eat a chocolate chip cookie sundae after the kids went to bed. As I was eating the fifth... or sixth... cookie I thought about the damage it was doing to my body. But it was damage that I wouldn't be seeing until after the baby arrived. I'd deal with that when the time came. Besides, I'd probably be more emotionally stable by then so I could handle these food issues better.
And that leads me to my second issue with dealing with my food, the new weapon Satan has wielded. Being pregnant means my numbers are going up! Regardless of the good choices I've made so far. I am seeing numbers that have given me depression over the last five years. My body is getting bigger. I don't feel cute and thin. I feel big and fat. It doesn't seem worth it to figure out how to go to God in times of need. It doesn't seem worth it to dig deep and say no. If I'm going to be victorious over food, I want to see the results!
But as I was eating those cookies, I felt the warning, "This indulgence will only make you more depressed. It will only make you feel more angry. On top of that your gut is going to start paying and you are going to have a major sugar crash." Sure enough, one of my kids asked me to get up and follow him just after I sat down and I broke down and started crying my head off. As I tried to justify my crying (e.g. my poor kids have an unstable mama, they shouldn't have to pay for my emotional insanity, I just want to sit down and be left alone for one hour, oh, poor baby just wanted his sippy cup and instead of helping him I'm crying, etc...) I knew that I didn't have to be in this position. I knew that God is bigger than my emotions, bigger than my fatigue, bigger than any damage I could be doing to my children. I knew that living in righteousness is a JOYOUS experience, not a deprived and depressed one. It's time to take advantage of being a Christian and worshipping a LIVING God.
One of my first steps in going to God this morning is writing this blog. I don't necessarily love sharing with you how vulnerable and ridiculous I am but I feel peaceful and obedient in it. God designed me to have very few inhibitions and I believe that reaching out to other women is one of those reasons.
Next up, I am going to reread Lysa's chapter 7, I Am Not Defined By Numbers. If time allows I am going to read more. There is a couple of cookie crumbs on my counter right now. I want to sweep them into my mouth, but I am going to use them to practice bringing God into focus.
I WILL feel joy by the end of the day.
"Victory isn't a place we arrive at and then relax. Victory is when we pick something healthy over something not beneficial for us. And we maintain our victories with each next choice...The very next choice we make isn't really about the food and the weight and the negative feelings we carry around when we're choosing poorly. It's about whether or not we're positioning ourselves to live the kind of God-honoring lives in which, by God's strength, sustained discipline is possible" (170).
And I wasn't planning on quoting her further, but the next paragraph speaks directly to my soul right now: "So, how does one tap into God's strength? Certainly prayer. Definitely reading the Bible.... but there's another part to it. Getting to a place where our lack of strength disgusts us.
"This place is found at the bottom of our excuses and rationalizations. It's found when our efforts fail time and time again" (170).
