Humph.

As I have been slow to post anything new, I have felt God asking me if I have any homework that I should be doing. I knew He was talking about this blog. From the beginning He was the one that urged me to start it. I had thought that He would use my transparency to encourage other people; but as I am here today, this blog is actually meant to encourage me. Having reached my goal weight I stopped reading the last couple chapters of the book, I stopped focusing every thought on the concepts and truths that have gotten me through the last 42 pounds, and I slowly drifted away from the joy that God has given me. I haven't ignored the truths and dived into my old ways, and I haven't gained any new pounds; but this journey isn't over, and this blog isn't supposed to be over yet either.

This morning I was wandering my house wondering what I should do, how I should fill my time. Without food, I felt at a loss and I began thinking more and more about finding something to eat or having another cup of really creamer-y coffee. God again asked me, "Don't you have some homework that needs to be done? A book that should be read? A blog to post?"

    I answered, "I don't really know what to say in the blog."

   "Well, have you read the last few chapters of the book?"

   "Um, no. But when I glanced at them last time it just seemed to repeat everything and it didn't seem to be very helpful."

   "That's because you weren't ready for those chapters yet. This is a process,  Erin. You hadn't gone through the fire long enough to understand those chapters yet. Read them. They will mean something to you now. Do the homework I've assigned."

One of the chapters in Made to Crave is titled "The Curse of the Skinny Jeans".  She shares a thought we all have had (... well, except for skinny people and nutritionists...),"If only I could put on those skinny jeans, my whole world would fall into place and put a permanent smile on my face" (120). That has been my theme thought of the last five years. At all social gatherings, I believed that if I could be wearing my skinny clothes I could enjoy my time so much better. I wouldn't be embarrassed; I would be confident. At playgroups, I saw my friends handling parenthood so well, and there was a part of me that believed that it's because they don't have to be ashamed of their bodies; they can be sprite, sexy mammas who don’t have to waste time and energy hiding their hips. When my husband and I would meet up with his old school friends, I would feel badly that my husband couldn’t show off a thin and beautiful wife to his old chums; that he chose a wife that got fat. Everything else in the world could be better if only I were in my skinny jeans. Today I am comfortably wearing my skinny jeans . How are things, you ask? Let’s talk about that.
   I'm sure no one will be surprised to find that I am feeling down, bored, frustrated, tired, and thanks to my greasy hair and coffee breath I'm not feeling very sexy.
   I am also surprised to see a lot of fluffiness that I didn’t know accompanied this weight and I think my body is still showing consequences of sinful eating. I am back on my “No No Foods” and hope to lose a few more pounds.
  I now have a free space in my mind that is designated for Jesus food that used to be consumed with plans for lunch- or shame.  This is a cool change in me. From the beginning I kept thinking that being so focus minded on God would be boring and dull. Remember that prayer I wrote to God early on, "I don't believe that you are any fun!"? It is a lie that Satan has used and is still very effectively using. But one night I was in the middle of a forty-five minute drive home and I was letting my mind wander. Since I didn't have the kids with me, I automatically started thinking about which drive thru I was going to go through or which snack I should pick up at the grocery store. Before my mind even formed a full thought I gladly dropped the idea. I wasn't hungry. No reason to make any stops. And then my mind was blank. There wasn't anything else calling for my attention. And so I smiled and said "Hey," to God. I laughed with him about how my mind didn't know what to do if it wasn't worshipping the food idol. That night I felt pure JOY and I didn’t know that JOY was so much fun.
   But if I’m not filling that space with prayer, praise, joy, service, or scripture it's just another place that can easily get filled up with lies, confusion, and pain.

Today I haven’t been eating Jesus food, and I have found that I still don’t handle boredom well. I keep forgetting why I can’t munch on crackers with my kids, especially since I haven’t stuffed myself for months. Lysa talked about the cravings, and that they are actually signs that our souls are crying out for Jesus food. But those truths and epiphanies didn’t seem as weighty and helpful. It didn’t seem like using food to fill my boredom was a craving- it felt like it was a form of entertainment- just like reading a book or watching tv.  And so, even though my belly was not asking for food, I would sit and slowly chew my cracker and think about all the skinny people who get handfuls of crackers all the time. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mom and we were having a Made to Crave check-in that I began getting clarity about my crackers. She was drowning with her desire for food and we spent some time pulling her out of the sea of gluttony. As I listened to her talk about the food she wants and the lies she was believing I realized that in wanting to use food in any way, shape, or form outside of using it for fuel, I was putting my floating inner tube in the water and wanting to float and play with the dangerous sea. The lie that I was believing was that I was strong enough to be in the sea without drowning in it. My curse of the skinny jeans is that I feel more powerful than I actually am against my food foe. I still need to fight just as hard, and stay just as wary to stay in the freedom that God has given me from food enslavement.  I'm not a "skinny person" who gets to put her floaty on any sea and play happily. There is a collar with my name around and Satan is antsy to get me back into slavery with a cracker.

Why Am I Always Surprised That I Am Not Stronger Than God?

How can I write about truth and freedom and living in God's power and then struggle so desperately? I just spent the last four days (Thanksgiving weekend) struggling and carrying more food around in my belly than I am accustomed. The old me would just say that during the holidays it is expected to stuff myself. The new me didn't bat an eyelash at the upcoming festivities as I was filled with confidence that the holidays wouldn't be any different than any other day. I was confident in God's truth, I was confident in my willingness to believe God's truth, and I was confident in my own self control. There is a verse that is smacking me around right now, 1 Corinthians 10: 12-14 "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation as seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry." I have read that verse dozens of times, and I hadn't truly read the words that I wrote in bold. When did God tack on the idolatry statement after fleeing temptation? As my eyes have been opened to my idolatry, I am taken aback by how often God is at war with it. To date, whenever I read that word I thought about golden calves and ornate pagan alters. Now, I see macaroni and cheese and Doritos; most recently I see snicker-apple salad and malt balls. As I roamed the kitchen, laden with the usual holiday goodies I did swing my sword and ask myself, "What lies are you believing right now, Erin, that is making you desire this food so much?"  I didn't spend any time trying to answer that question, and really, I had put it from my mind before I was done asking it.  I arrived at the holiday dinner confident in myself and therefore neglected to put on the Armor of God. Apparently, walls were already up and ear plugs were already in. Throughout the dinner, I had been keeping my head above water, eating only a small serving but my stomach filled up way before I wanted to be done. In a small show of gusto, I went to my husband and told him, "I'm done. My belly is full. If I eat any more it is because I am bowing down to the idol of food." I walked from the room about to throw my plate away and saw that there was still a dollop of snicker-apple salad left. And I ate it. In that minute, the only thing I could think about was that salad. It felt torturous to throw it away. It didn't seem sinful to eat it. It was just one bite. But the truth is that I was made for more than feeling defenseless against yummy food. Romans 8:11 "The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you..." 
 Now I am home and pulling forth the courage and energy to face my God; feeling like I've been down this path more times that I can count and can't I just skip it this time? But if I want to continue this awesome journey with Him, I know that I need to 'fess up. So, as I am on my knees I reminded God of the aforementioned verse in Ephesions (he remembered it), and he gently but firmly opened my eyes to the first part of that verse, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" And with that I felt him saying, "Erin, darling, this holiday weekend is not the climax of the sin you need to be apologizing for. It's just the repercussions of the sin preceding it." And I realized that I had been silently "struggling" for a month now, putting more and more faith in myself and my own control over food with less faith and submission to God. My real sin was priding myself on "my power" over food and that holiday weekend proved that I am not strong enough to overcome the song that food sings to me.
I have been eating a little more than I should regularly. Again, eating food isn't a problem, but the reason I'm eating that food is because I just can't seem to help myself, or I just can't resist that last bite, or I just want a quick taste. I'm putting post cards up in my kitchen today saying, "If you're stomach isn't growling, that bite isn't going into your mouth. If that isn't a part of the serving you should have, it isn't going into your mouth. If you can't say 'No' to that food, then it has control over you and you are enslaved to it." 
I am feeling very humbled today, as I think about all the freedom I've been writing about and here I am, once again wanting to sift through my cupboards to find solace instead of dancing with the joy that God offers to me daily. 
Here are a few verses that comfort me, as Lysa says, "We serve a compassionate God. A God who knew food would be a major stumbling block" (63) and he gave us the Bible filled with understanding:

• Philippians 3:18 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach...
• Psalm 81:9-10 "You must never have a foreign god; you must not bow down before a false god. For it was I, the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
• Galations 4:8 "Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to so-called gods that do not even exist"

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com