A Mask Comes Off

Dear Father,
Dear Jesus,
Dear Lord,
Dear Sir,
My God,

My God. It feels so hypocritical to say that. Even as I come to you today to get things in order, to set them right, to get my feet back on the ground, I am trying to think up all the things I should quickly go out and buy before I need to hold to my budget again. I am thinking of eating one more handful of anything before I straighten up my act. Merciful Savior, I need help. I've faltered and now I'm stuck in a confused and depressed mindset.
I know where I went wrong. My pride. I felt proud and strong. I felt frustrated with my mom for not seeing things as black and white as I do. I wanted to whip her into shape. And then she asked me about my shopping. And, Sir, you know that I have been working so hard at staying on budget, planning my purchases, and making my money count. Technically I hadn't broken any rules-yet. But I admitted honestly to her that I am still struggling with talking myself into buying things; that I am just barely staying within the budget and it's only the first week of the month. When I saw her look of relief- that she wasn't alone, that I still have a big weakness- oh boy- my pride burned. I can still feel that shame boiling in my chest. I even resented her a little bit. That was it. The next day I ate whatever I wanted and I bought everything I have been waiting for. I kept telling myself that I am in control and that I am not weak; that the reason I was doing this was because I did not have a problem with it. What a ridiculous lie I was believing. I still don't really understand how I could justify that behavior. And I suppose that I actually couldn't, which is why I haven't been able to come to you.
And I've missed you, my Lord. For the last two weeks, as I've been living in the delusion of my own power, I've missed you! I understand so much more clearly how sin deafens us.
I've known that I need to sit down and be with you. But every time I bow my head or take a moment of silence, I feel like I just can't find you. You seem distant right now. And I'm struggling. And I'm drowning. I NEED you. I need you to remind me why it's important to obey my body. I need you to make my lines clear. And most of all, I need you to teach my that I don't need to buy those material things to run my house well. I need you to free me because I feel so alone, and helpless, and overwhelmed.
Please. Please come to me. Make your voice loud and clear. Give me your power so I can stand on my feet again. Take me into the promised land, so that you can straighten my clothes, comb my hair, and remind me why I can't rely on my own power.
There are so many things I want to pray about right now. I need help teaching, training, and shaping Tommy. I need focus, to *see* Benji and all that he is. I need you to quiet my tongue, so that I can listen to my husband. I want to talk to you about the desires of my heart, but I can't come to you with any of this while Caramel Cheesecake and Yoga Pants are ordering me around.
Please, come free me, My Lord.

Bad Romance

I want you to know that before sitting down to write this, I had a beautiful bowl of ice cream with caramel topping with some brownie mixed in.
**Note: it was not fat free ice cream and not sugar free caramel topping.**
And what I really want you to know is that I don't have one iota of guilt about it. I enjoyed every bite.
I enjoyed the present that God gave me of my taste buds.
I enjoyed it because my body gave me the signal that I could eat.
I enjoyed it because I didn't stretch my belly in order to get it in.
I enjoyed it so much because God wants me to take pleasure in his creations.

Over the last three months I have been dancing with true freedom. Freedom that doesn't require a food plan. Freedom from constantly being plagued by thoughts of brownies sitting on the counter. Freedom from the irresistable urge to finish my burrito.
I would go a few days without wanting something that my food plan restricts and think, Yay! I'm free! I am healed enough, healthy enough, strong enough to trust that I will make good decisions without considering all my rules all the time! And then I would encounter some pizza, and gleefully take it because I was free of my food plan. As I was eating a piece I thought, "It's time for bed, this is pretty greasy, and it would be a better choice to not eat it." And all of the sudden I WANTED THAT PIZZA. I sat down and wrote about it. For entertainment's sake, here it is:

It feels like...

• I can't think past the moment of taking another bite of cheesy pizza.
• There isn't anything else going on in the world because my eye keeps going to that piece, and once I take a bite I will be able to finish typing, stirring, talking, reading...
• Such a waste to throw it out.
• It won't ever taste exactly like this again.
• What can be so wrong with eating it?
• My mouth feels empty....
• I'm going to do really well tomorrow, to make up for today.
• Chewing it will feel so good.
• Tasting it will send warm tinglys to my heart.

I feel...

• Consumed. That last bite is YELLING at me in the back of my mind. I'm trying to ignore it, but a vision of it's deliciousness pops to mind. I'm trying to focus my attention away, but the voice just gets louder.
• Angry. I've been restrained, self-controlled, deprived for SO LONG.
• Tired. What were my mantras again?
• Uncaring. I've rebelled before, I'll rebel again. I'm still going to heaven. Yada, Yada.
• Hooked. I think I'm making progress and then all the sudden there is something reminding me that I really want another bite.
• Depressed. I will always have to fight tooth and nail to stay thin... I'm such a loser. I'm so weak. I'm so ugly. Why even bother.
• Hopeless. Where is the exit door? What can I do to stop wanting it???

I am sitting at my desk with a piece of Little Caesars Sausage and Grease Pizza. It is 11:16pm. When I took it, my stomach was growling, and therefore it felt okay to have. But the responsible side of my heart told me that I should be going to bed hungry; that I have had enough grease for the day and I should forego this opportunity. When my hunger was satiated about half-way through the cheesy pizza I feverishly took three more bites. That piece of pizza is now sitting in front of me. Yelling at me. And I’m trying to record why such a simple, life-less, inanimate object can take over my mind. It seems so precious and wonderful right now…

For the last three to five months I've been going back and forth, feeling strong and free from food, to writing posts like that. Every time I would be at that weak point I would know, "You are not strong enough yet, Erin. You still need to practice giving up food. You still need to live by the food plan, the rules of good nutrition. The issue of food is still too big for you. You WILL be free. You just aren't yet."

My mom and I have been using lots and lots of imagery to understand our food battles. One of them is that God wants us to be in the promised land. The promised land being a place where we don't feel powerless against food, and actually that food isn't even our enemy. But we have been living in the desert- a place where we believe that food is fun, and comforting, and entertaining, and safe. In the desert we eat to celebrate, to pass the time, to clear our plates, and to make ourselves feel better. We go to food for any occasion and have a hard time understanding why we aren't supposed to. My mom describes herself as carressing the walls of the promised land, but still hanging out in the desert. She's close- so close- to freedom, but for some reason she is still being lured to stay in the desert. I have been in and out of the promised lands' walls. During the last three months I have been spending time wandering the beautiful peace, joy, and freedom of the promised land: of freedom from the food idol. But then I would meander outside and get bludgeoned with overwhelming desire for certain morsels of the food gods.
I believe, 100%, that I can reside in the Promised Land forever. I just need to stear clear of the doors that lead to the desert.

*                    *                       *                   *                       *

I took a survey at the beginning of this process, and I wanted to share it with you. It was fascinating to read my answers and see where my mind was.

Page14 of Made to Crave: Participants Guide

1. Briefly review the list of statements below and place a checkmark next to those you feel are true for you.

• I think about food way too much. ~Yes. It is what entertains me through my day.
• My food choices are often high in fat or sugar. ~Yes, Yes, Yes and more please!
  
• I feel embarrassed about my weight or appearance. ~Crying every morning when I get dressed- that means Yes.
• The thought of changing how I eat makes me feel sad. ~More like depressed, scared, angry…Yes.
• I'm reluctant to bring this issue to God. ~Yes.
• I have gained and lost weight several times. ~No, just one big gain, one big loss, and one more big gain.
• I feel defeated and discouraged about issues related to weight or food. ~Ugh. Yes.
• I don't have as much physical energy as I wish I did. ~No. I think I’m all good with my energy.
• When I need comfort, I turn to food before I turn to God. ~Yes. Is that really wrong?
• I say negative things to myself ("You're so fat", "You're ugly," "You're not capable of getting your act together when it comes to food.") ~Pretty much the entire time I’m eating, or getting dressed, or with skinny people.
• I'm not sure this is an issue God cares about. ~Yes... kinda. Except I guess deep down I know that it is.
• I feel guilty or embarrassed about what I eat or the size of my portions. ~Yes. Eating in secret might be a symptom of that.
• I have health concerns that are weight related. ~No.
• I eat food typically considered unhealthy fast food several times a week. ~Yes. I love me my McDouble. And it’s so easy to feed the family. And it’s great entertainment. And I love going out to eat.
• I eat for emotional reasons-- for comfort, out of boredom, to relieve stress. ~YES. I can escape from my whining babies, or make a long day at home go by faster.
• I sometimes feel like food is more powerful than I am. ~Yes. It invades my mind.
• I think that I will always struggle with this issue. ~Yes. That’s just what life is supposed to be, isn’t it?
• I sometimes eat in secret or hide food. ~I have eaten while hiding from my husband....more than once.
• I avoid physical exertion. ~I'm not running marathons, but in day to day life- No I don’t avoid it.
• When it comes to food and weight, I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious cycle and there is no way out. ~Yes. I just want to be skinny again.

2. Based on your responses from the checklist, circle the number below that best describes the degree to which you feel issues with food may be waging war on your soul.

1_____2_____3_____4_____5_____6_____7___X_8_____9_____10

Issues with food      Issues with food      Issues with food
are not waging        are a threat to         are waging war
on my soul.           my soul...                  on my soul.

I took that survey a second time today and I am amazed at the transformation. When I marked my X I was happy to find that it’s home is next to the 3. I wish it were by the 1, but the truth is my mind occasionally tries to wander to the food category and I need to quickly recognize that I’m not hungry and there is no reason to look for something to eat. I am so frustrated and ashamed to admit that I feel weak in my love for food, when I feel so confused about why I have to be so responsible with my food choices.

If you were to take this survey, what number would you be resting at?
It's time to start another Made To Crave study. Anyone want to join me? 

Wait, Wait, Wait! So God Cares About This?

My mom came to me this afternoon and told me that she has some things to say, and could I post them on this blog? Delightedly I said yes. Her post came at a perfect time, as I have two or three different posts started trying to address some issues my mom shares so well. So, without further ado... my mom, my mentor, my best friend, my accountability partner:

            This is Erin’s mom. I’ve asked her for some space on her blog. I wanted to write because she sometimes, very generously, portrays me as HER mentor and leader in the Made to Crave journey. While that may have been true in the very beginning, it is certainly no longer true. She seems like a rock to me; I flounder often. So, for those of you who have strong, black and white personalities like Erin’s, you may not understand this blog; but for those of you who often feel weak, who shortly after a moment of victory continue to battle, who whine and fuss about giving up your favorite addiction, this is for you.

            Erin often calls me “gray.” It’s because I vacillate between strength and struggle in my food addiction. I think one of the reasons I do this is because, deep down, it’s hard for me to believe that this issue - overeating, loving food, letting food control me instead of me controlling it - that this issue is important to God, Master and Creator of all things. Certainly, there are so many other things that are weighty to Him! But I think I’m finally getting His message...this issue in my life matters to Him!

            I need to start a few months ago. I was in a very good period of my journey, but feeling weak. I had prayed for strength for the upcoming week. There were faculty lunches, and social get-aways, and favorite restaurants. I knew it would be difficult, and I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore; I didn’t WANT to do it anymore. I wanted to just eat whatever, whenever. God took me to Deuteronomy 9.This chapter comes just after those amazing verses about teaching your children to love God with all their hearts, minds, souls, and strength; to talk of it sitting, standing, walking; to put it on your doorposts and foreheads. THOSE verses that say God wants what? ALL of your love. But as I was facing the next week, fearing that I will lost the battle and give my love to food, I began reading in verse ten. In it, I heard God saying to me, “Amy, you don’t need to worry about this, because I’m going to go before you and destroy your enemy. I’M going to give you victory...no worries.” VERY COOL, I thought. But then He told me why. He said, “Don’t be thinking that I’m going to do this because you are so wonderful and deserving, NO! I’m doing this because your enemy (slavery to food) is wicked. I hate it! I repeat, I’m not giving you victory because you’re good...YOU ARE STUBBORN!” Ouch! But, I have to admit it, when it comes to giving up the food god, I have been stubborn. So, thank you, God!! And boy, did He give me victory! I BREEZED through the next week. I felt like I was just on the edge of the promised land; the land where I can go to faculty meetings without dying to sample the entire snack buffet, or counting every calorie at my favorite restaurants.

But, as I stood on the cusp, I was worried for the next step; I kept thinking what if I go back to enslavement? I read the next section of that chapter in Deuteronomy. God says, “Remember how angry you made me after I freed you from your slavery in Egypt. You constantly rebelled against me until I was ready to destroy you. You kept forgetting who your GOD is; you made an idol!” I felt like I was really beginning to see that in my life, this issue mattered to my God. He HATED my addiction. I was thinking of chapter 5, “Made for More” in Lisa’s book. God made me for more than this, more than being a glutton, more than loving food and being controlled by it, more than eating much more than I needed to. In those verses in Deuteronomy, I felt God telling me, “This idol in your life needs to go. I can’t stand it anymore.” I heard him. I understood him. I entered into a strong period.

How do we go from there to weak periods? I don’t know. All I know is that a girls’ long weekend to Door County took me right back to Egypt. My piggy head was deep in the feeding trough. I ate whatever, whenever for about two weeks, purposely ignoring any prayer or bible reading. When I finally decided the day of reckoning was at hand, I stepped on the scale to see what damage my unrestrained indulgence had bought me. I was fearing 5 or 6 pounds. The actual: 10 pounds. I had not been at this weight for FIVE months. In two weeks I had regained what it had taken me five MONTHS to lose. Wow! Spanking is not the word. I felt as if I had been pulverized. But as I stood in shock and depression, Deuteronomy 9 came back to me: “Remember and never forget how angry you made the Lord your God...constantly rebelling against Him...He was so angry he was ready to destroy you.” He also whispered Hebrews 12:6 in my ear: “For those whom the Lord loves, He disciplines, and he scourges every son whom He acknowledges.” Ten pounds in two weeks is unnatural, it’s exorbitant; it’s the finger of God. With Hebrews 12:6 in mind, I suddenly was feeling VERY loved. I got down on my knees and confessed everything to my Abba. I was assured that He loved me and WILL NOT tolerate my visits to Egypt. The addiction MUST stop. He HATES it in my life; He wants the throne. He doesn’t want to share it any more, at all, with anything. I got up off of my knees quite giddy, actually. I could no longer doubt in any way that God wants this issue of food addiction to be over for me. He’s told me very plainly and had given me severe consequences for my disobedience. What if I fall off again? What will my consequence be? 15 pounds? 20? ALL of my weight back? Okay, okay, I say. I get it. You care; I need to fight this battle ALWAYS.

            All in all, I guess I just wanted to share that it might FOREVER be a struggle, but it’s one that matters. God wants the throne. He hates our enslavement to anything other than Himself.

The Story of the Purple Square Plates

Within a few months of recognizing my act of going to food instead of God for comfort I recognized my desire to shop. I shopped to help me feel better; to help entertain me and the boys; to buy a much needed item; to make my life better. I got all tingly inside thinking about all the things I wanted to bring home. I just knew that once I bought a junk drawer organizer I would be able to function in the kitchen better. I needed to buy my little boys matching trucks so that they would play with them for hours and hours. I needed some strappy brown sandals because they would go with everything I own way better than my strappy brown wedge sandals. And I needed purple plates to match my kitchen decor. It was July 2 when I realized that God hates that I use shopping as a crutch instead of him just as much as he hates that I worship food instead of him. My mom and I were doing a MTC check-in when I admitted this conviction to her. She laughed at me when I told her that I didn’t want to deal with giving up two false idols right now; plus, I really needed those plates. I explained that I have been looking for some solid purple square plates ever since we moved into this house, and I just found them at Shopko yesterday. But God told me not to buy them, and I obeyed! But I think that I need to go back and get them, because they are exactly what I am looking for. I love the square-ness of them, and the purple matches my kitchen perfectly and since I leave my plates out on a shelf in the kitchen they need to match.....


But as the conversation progressed I felt a very strong challenge from God, "Erin- Not only am I saying NO to the plates, but I don't want you to spend a single penny on yourself this month." To try to describe what I felt at that moment is embarrassing, you would think someone- my mom- had died. My stomach flipped and my jaw dropped. I wanted to argue my way out of that challenge. After all- it was only July 2! I said over and over to my mom, "It's impossible. It's absolutely impossible. There is no way... It's impossible. Whatever, God, I'll give it a try... but it's not going to happen. It's impossible... And my plates will be gone! Can't I just start the challenge after I go buy my plates?"


That month was amazing. I cried a lot, and I called my mom a lot. I walked past my plates a lot. But I didn't spend a single penny on myself. Not even for a candy bar. When I got to the end of the month I asked God if I could go get my plates now, and he gave me the thumbs up. When I got there they were on clearance- 70% off. The smile I gave God was too big for my face and I wanted to cry that he would give me such an awesome reward for my obedience. My God got  me through the impossible, and he gave me exactly what I wanted in return. I worship such an awesome God.


I brought the plates home and put away my old farmhouse green ones. I served dinner and put them in the washer. The next morning I put them away on their shelf to be used as decoration. And as I walked by I gave God a little smile and knew that if anyone came over there would be no way they would walk into my kitchen and say, "Huh, why don't her plates match her kitchen? If they are going to be on a display shelf, they shouldn't be green farmhouse plates, they should match the decor." And as I had that thought I realized that I hated my plates. They symbolized all of the ill-founded importance I placed in my special purchases- in objects. I saw my shallowness and my vanity. I saw my naivety and simple-mindedness. I saw an idol that I worshipped that could do nothing for me.


I still hate my plates. But I'm not going to take them down because every time I start focusing on a new chair, or child's toy, or movie, or curtain, I am reminded that I am focusing on a dead idol, when a living, breathing, caring one is willing to give me the time and energy to teach me a long, loving, and freeing lesson through purple square plates.


Following the lesson of the plates, I’ve been learning to live in a constant state of “denial.” It could also be called “self-control”. It could also be called “righteousness.”


 Early, early on in the book- Chapter 6- Lysa talks about those things. As she was trying to answer the question, "How do you grow closer to God?" she brought up the verse, "If anyone would come after me, he must first deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Luke9:23) (60). She answered the question by explaining that we need to intentionally not allow ourselves to have something that is permissible, but not necessarily beneficial. The act of denying ourselves is the real fuel of getting closer to God. When I first read this chapter I passed it over fairly quickly. I understood that she was saying that we can grow close to God if we go to him instead of going to food. Once I got through the book the second time I realized that I was molded enough to truly understand chapter 6. But this time, Made to Crave is no longer addressing my food issues.  Instead, it addresses all of my dead and false idols.

With Puke In My Hair, I Hold My Head High

Ingredient one. I am spending the night with my two year old boy who began throwing up just an hour before bedtime. I have a sheet out on his floor, a pile of towels next to us, and some ginger ale on the night stand. I'm ready for the over night camp out. My poor baby is scared of the puke bucket and keeps trying to run away from throwing up (thus making the sheet on the floor the only clean fabric in the room) and when his stomach contents does come up he claps his hands over his mouth and desperately tries to swallow it back down. The only way I can get him to relax enough to let his body do its thing is if I'm hugging him and whispering in his ear. Which means that my back and hair has turned into the catch-all.

Ingredient two: My ten month old baby spontaneously starts waking up every couple of hours and it's always on the hour that my two year old has finally fallen asleep.

Ingredient three: I'm severely nauseous and wondering if my two year old and I have the same thing.

Ingredient four: Night two, the two year old hasn't thrown up all day and is in bed. Ten month old just threw up all over his crib, and I'm settling into a second night of puke patrol while running to the bathroom for myself.

Final recipe:
So now it is 11 am and I am sitting on the couch curled into a ball. I'm in my jammies and I can't get away from the smell of puke. Every jostle and movement makes my stomach cramp. My headache begs me to close my eyes. Both boys are still a little off and crying at my ankles wanting their very specific needs and desires taken care of. As I'm about to burst into tears I am suddenly reminded of a chapter I read months ago in Made to Crave. It is chapter 5 "Made for More." Lysa talks about her own confidence and self worth. To put it simply she felt like a loser and broken person in life (sinful sexual history, abandonment issues, etc.) and being a slave to food was just a part of that. She then had a revelation and writes about her true identity in Christ and records a list of her new labels (53):

Lysa, the holy child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
Lysa, the made-new child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Lysa, the loved child of God. ( Ephesians 2:13)
Lysa, the confident child of God. (Ephesians 3:12)
Lysa, the victorious child of God. (Romans 8:37)

There are more to that list, but I think you get the point. She used that list to help set her free from a wrong identity of weakness and foolishness. When she discovered all that it meant to be a child of God she knew that being a slave to food just didn't jive anymore. But that's not why I bring up this chapter now. At the time I read that I didn't associate well with it. As a healthy confident person, I didn't feel the need for an ego-boost. I knew I was special as a child of God. But as I sat on the couch wondering where I could find more "mommy juice," a voice whispered in my ear, "This is not what a child of God looks like, Erin. Stand up. Be confident. Be victorious."

The day didn't end up all peachy keen, but it did get better. Every time I felt justified to have a break down and yell really loudly I was encouraged to stay confident. To stay victorious. Because I am a child of God. He gave me this job of motherhood with confidence, and as His daughter, and as His princess, He gave me the power to do it well.

Don't Cry For Me, Argentina- I Mean Cooler Ranch Doritos

I just read through many of my old posts. It's so great to see the differences in the girl who wrote those and now the girl who just read them. One of the things I read was how much I didn't want to give up baking a batch of cookies and eating most of them or dipping my fries in mayo. I remember tying so much happiness to those things! Well, I haven't baked a batch of cookies and I haven't dipped a fry in mayo for eight months, and I have been just as happy, if not more so.  I have a handful of posts that I started but I couldn't figure out how to finish them. As I was reading those posts I realized that I am having a hard time finishing them because I am trying to write them as the girl who began this blog. I  started  this journey in a dark room that kept me in a vicious cycle of loving food, hating my body, and feeling powerless to change anything. Over the last eight months lights have slowly been turned on and I found the door out. I am now living free in my world but I'm still trying to talk to those in the room as if I'm right there where I began. I have slowly been forgetting the language of gluttony but when I write I'm trying to remember how to speak it. I started this blog because the lights had just been turned on and I wanted to turn to my fellow roommates and say, "Hey! There is a way out! There is a way out! Come on!" I still desperately want that for all my former roommates, but I need to reach out naturally and from outside the dark room, instead of acting as if I'm still in it. 

I'm not at all saying that I am all better. There is, still, a siren's song luring me to that old room. When I reached my goal weight I allowed myself the No No's. Victoriously, I didn't even bother with them for a week; but once I had my first cookie I drifted to the dark room and didn't notice a lasso being put on my neck to draw me in further. I wasn't eating the entire batch in one sitting, but I was eating two or three a day which was a shock to my physical system and my spiritual system was saying "Hey, are we calling the shots here, or are those cookies?" I was stunned by how quickly I could be drawn back into the dark room. I needed to step away from the fight entirely- to run full tilt away from the room so I could properly clear my mind and put on my armor. I made a huge pot of noodles and veggies and that was all I ate for an entire day and a half. Lysa introduces the first chapter saying "You crave what you eat/[You] crave what [you] focus on" (19/23), and I needed to redirect my focus.

I learned quickly that I can't play around the door of that dark room, because I still get drawn in way too easily. Lysa describes this exact situation in chapter 15. She saw herself struggling parallel with a situation her dog was in. She tells us of her very excitable and energetic dog who broke her leg. The doctor told her that she needed to stay still and restful for three weeks (of which Lysa was sure was impossible). By the third week the dog was begging to run outside but Lysa knew the dog's leg wasn't healed enough to make the run, even though the dog was feeling strong and healthy. The leg was still too broken to handle that kind of freedom. And that's exactly where I am right now. I'm still too broken to handle full freedom, a food plan with no rules. I had to put all my No No's back on my list though I do allow for a once a week treat (which sometimes I take and sometimes I don't). One day I will be strong enough to have the option of a cookie every day; and I know that God won't quit working on me until I am.

Punch You In the Face

I'm taking this straight from the book. I loved reading this segment (pages 127-128):

I didn't quite know what to think as my pastor walked up to the podium with a bottle of wine and proceeded to pour a glass. Just about everyone shifted in their seats while he let the shock of the moment settle in. Really settle in.
Seeing a bottle of wine on center stage in a Bible Belt church just doesn't happen. Ever. We drink grape juice for communion.
He then asked us to stand for a reading of God's Word, which was the passage in John 2 where Jesus turns the water into wine. The point of his sermon was to clear away some cultural debris- taboos about drinking wine- so that we could see what the Bible really says and accept it as part of the larger truth of God's Word. It was a mighty fine sermon full of verses that dispelled the myths that the wine Jesus filled the water jars with that day was unfermented, watered down grape juice. It was wine. Wine that Jesus Himself, who never sinned, drank.
Of course, he handled this teaching very delicately. Those who are underage or have issues with alcohol and can't have a glass of wine without being irresponsible should avoid it altogether. He also touched on not being a stumbling block to those who struggle. But again, whether or not to have a glass of wine with dinner was not the point of the sermon; the point was to know what the Bible says about issues we face every day and to apply those Scriptures to our lives appropriately.
Then he shifted gears and turned his attention to food.
Now this was an historic church-going day. Seeing wine in the sanctuary was shocking enough, but never have I heard a preacher man talk about gluttony in church. Never. And his point was brilliant. How can we stand and wag our fingers in the direction of alcohol  only to walk into the church-wide covered dish buffet and stuff ourselves sick with fried, covered-and-smothered, grossly caloric delights that buckle our paper plates and cause our stomachs to cry for antacids?
Overindulgence is overindulgence.
...It's at this point that we have to admit our issues with food aren't just little things that require us to wear a larger-than-ideal dress size. Eating in excess is a sin. The Bible calls it gluttony, which is defined in the dictionary as "excess in drinking or eating." The biblical teaching about excess drinking and eating is clear. "Do no join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rages" (Provers 23:20-21). Here's another: "He who keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father" (Proverbs 28:7)

I'm going to follow that with the workbook questions (pages 114-115):

1.  What do you think would happen in your church if your pastor were to preach a message on gluttony? How would most people respond? Do you think it would lead people to change how they eat?  

I grew up in a fairly legalistic church. I FULLY identified with Lysa when she described people condemning drinking, (I was once taught that I would lose my entire good christian reputation if someone saw me with a drink on my table-whether it was mine or not) and then gorge themselves at the potluck. I've always wanted my pastor to teach a message on gluttony and I have no idea how anyone would respond. I imagine hackles rising and people saying that it isn't the same thing, and I also see people nodding their head in agreement but then putting that truth from their mind as soon as we stand up to sing the closing chorus...

2.  List two or three ways my Christian community supports or overlooks overindulgence as a normal part of life:

Oh my. In my world, overeating is a way of life. I went years without feeling a hunger pang, and I know I wasn't the only one. How many times have I said or heard someone say, "I know I shouldn't, but..." as another fry landed on the tongue. Being overweight is what we are. We've laughed at the amount of food we've eaten, we've given many blind eyes as someone reaches for another helping or is needing to buy new, bigger clothing. We offer understanding and sympathy when we declare that we are "stuffed full."

Even as my mom and I were making progress reading through Made to Crave we found ourselves laughing at all times we went off our plan to enjoy a treat. We were laughing- laughing- about blatantly sinning against God. 


That's it. That's all I have to offer for this post. I don't offer condemnation or judgement. I'm not out to hurt anyone and make anyone feel badly. I've been there. I am there. I still forget about these truths and this freedom.

Humph.

As I have been slow to post anything new, I have felt God asking me if I have any homework that I should be doing. I knew He was talking about this blog. From the beginning He was the one that urged me to start it. I had thought that He would use my transparency to encourage other people; but as I am here today, this blog is actually meant to encourage me. Having reached my goal weight I stopped reading the last couple chapters of the book, I stopped focusing every thought on the concepts and truths that have gotten me through the last 42 pounds, and I slowly drifted away from the joy that God has given me. I haven't ignored the truths and dived into my old ways, and I haven't gained any new pounds; but this journey isn't over, and this blog isn't supposed to be over yet either.

This morning I was wandering my house wondering what I should do, how I should fill my time. Without food, I felt at a loss and I began thinking more and more about finding something to eat or having another cup of really creamer-y coffee. God again asked me, "Don't you have some homework that needs to be done? A book that should be read? A blog to post?"

    I answered, "I don't really know what to say in the blog."

   "Well, have you read the last few chapters of the book?"

   "Um, no. But when I glanced at them last time it just seemed to repeat everything and it didn't seem to be very helpful."

   "That's because you weren't ready for those chapters yet. This is a process,  Erin. You hadn't gone through the fire long enough to understand those chapters yet. Read them. They will mean something to you now. Do the homework I've assigned."

One of the chapters in Made to Crave is titled "The Curse of the Skinny Jeans".  She shares a thought we all have had (... well, except for skinny people and nutritionists...),"If only I could put on those skinny jeans, my whole world would fall into place and put a permanent smile on my face" (120). That has been my theme thought of the last five years. At all social gatherings, I believed that if I could be wearing my skinny clothes I could enjoy my time so much better. I wouldn't be embarrassed; I would be confident. At playgroups, I saw my friends handling parenthood so well, and there was a part of me that believed that it's because they don't have to be ashamed of their bodies; they can be sprite, sexy mammas who don’t have to waste time and energy hiding their hips. When my husband and I would meet up with his old school friends, I would feel badly that my husband couldn’t show off a thin and beautiful wife to his old chums; that he chose a wife that got fat. Everything else in the world could be better if only I were in my skinny jeans. Today I am comfortably wearing my skinny jeans . How are things, you ask? Let’s talk about that.
   I'm sure no one will be surprised to find that I am feeling down, bored, frustrated, tired, and thanks to my greasy hair and coffee breath I'm not feeling very sexy.
   I am also surprised to see a lot of fluffiness that I didn’t know accompanied this weight and I think my body is still showing consequences of sinful eating. I am back on my “No No Foods” and hope to lose a few more pounds.
  I now have a free space in my mind that is designated for Jesus food that used to be consumed with plans for lunch- or shame.  This is a cool change in me. From the beginning I kept thinking that being so focus minded on God would be boring and dull. Remember that prayer I wrote to God early on, "I don't believe that you are any fun!"? It is a lie that Satan has used and is still very effectively using. But one night I was in the middle of a forty-five minute drive home and I was letting my mind wander. Since I didn't have the kids with me, I automatically started thinking about which drive thru I was going to go through or which snack I should pick up at the grocery store. Before my mind even formed a full thought I gladly dropped the idea. I wasn't hungry. No reason to make any stops. And then my mind was blank. There wasn't anything else calling for my attention. And so I smiled and said "Hey," to God. I laughed with him about how my mind didn't know what to do if it wasn't worshipping the food idol. That night I felt pure JOY and I didn’t know that JOY was so much fun.
   But if I’m not filling that space with prayer, praise, joy, service, or scripture it's just another place that can easily get filled up with lies, confusion, and pain.

Today I haven’t been eating Jesus food, and I have found that I still don’t handle boredom well. I keep forgetting why I can’t munch on crackers with my kids, especially since I haven’t stuffed myself for months. Lysa talked about the cravings, and that they are actually signs that our souls are crying out for Jesus food. But those truths and epiphanies didn’t seem as weighty and helpful. It didn’t seem like using food to fill my boredom was a craving- it felt like it was a form of entertainment- just like reading a book or watching tv.  And so, even though my belly was not asking for food, I would sit and slowly chew my cracker and think about all the skinny people who get handfuls of crackers all the time. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mom and we were having a Made to Crave check-in that I began getting clarity about my crackers. She was drowning with her desire for food and we spent some time pulling her out of the sea of gluttony. As I listened to her talk about the food she wants and the lies she was believing I realized that in wanting to use food in any way, shape, or form outside of using it for fuel, I was putting my floating inner tube in the water and wanting to float and play with the dangerous sea. The lie that I was believing was that I was strong enough to be in the sea without drowning in it. My curse of the skinny jeans is that I feel more powerful than I actually am against my food foe. I still need to fight just as hard, and stay just as wary to stay in the freedom that God has given me from food enslavement.  I'm not a "skinny person" who gets to put her floaty on any sea and play happily. There is a collar with my name around and Satan is antsy to get me back into slavery with a cracker.

Why Am I Always Surprised That I Am Not Stronger Than God?

How can I write about truth and freedom and living in God's power and then struggle so desperately? I just spent the last four days (Thanksgiving weekend) struggling and carrying more food around in my belly than I am accustomed. The old me would just say that during the holidays it is expected to stuff myself. The new me didn't bat an eyelash at the upcoming festivities as I was filled with confidence that the holidays wouldn't be any different than any other day. I was confident in God's truth, I was confident in my willingness to believe God's truth, and I was confident in my own self control. There is a verse that is smacking me around right now, 1 Corinthians 10: 12-14 "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation as seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry." I have read that verse dozens of times, and I hadn't truly read the words that I wrote in bold. When did God tack on the idolatry statement after fleeing temptation? As my eyes have been opened to my idolatry, I am taken aback by how often God is at war with it. To date, whenever I read that word I thought about golden calves and ornate pagan alters. Now, I see macaroni and cheese and Doritos; most recently I see snicker-apple salad and malt balls. As I roamed the kitchen, laden with the usual holiday goodies I did swing my sword and ask myself, "What lies are you believing right now, Erin, that is making you desire this food so much?"  I didn't spend any time trying to answer that question, and really, I had put it from my mind before I was done asking it.  I arrived at the holiday dinner confident in myself and therefore neglected to put on the Armor of God. Apparently, walls were already up and ear plugs were already in. Throughout the dinner, I had been keeping my head above water, eating only a small serving but my stomach filled up way before I wanted to be done. In a small show of gusto, I went to my husband and told him, "I'm done. My belly is full. If I eat any more it is because I am bowing down to the idol of food." I walked from the room about to throw my plate away and saw that there was still a dollop of snicker-apple salad left. And I ate it. In that minute, the only thing I could think about was that salad. It felt torturous to throw it away. It didn't seem sinful to eat it. It was just one bite. But the truth is that I was made for more than feeling defenseless against yummy food. Romans 8:11 "The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you..." 
 Now I am home and pulling forth the courage and energy to face my God; feeling like I've been down this path more times that I can count and can't I just skip it this time? But if I want to continue this awesome journey with Him, I know that I need to 'fess up. So, as I am on my knees I reminded God of the aforementioned verse in Ephesions (he remembered it), and he gently but firmly opened my eyes to the first part of that verse, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" And with that I felt him saying, "Erin, darling, this holiday weekend is not the climax of the sin you need to be apologizing for. It's just the repercussions of the sin preceding it." And I realized that I had been silently "struggling" for a month now, putting more and more faith in myself and my own control over food with less faith and submission to God. My real sin was priding myself on "my power" over food and that holiday weekend proved that I am not strong enough to overcome the song that food sings to me.
I have been eating a little more than I should regularly. Again, eating food isn't a problem, but the reason I'm eating that food is because I just can't seem to help myself, or I just can't resist that last bite, or I just want a quick taste. I'm putting post cards up in my kitchen today saying, "If you're stomach isn't growling, that bite isn't going into your mouth. If that isn't a part of the serving you should have, it isn't going into your mouth. If you can't say 'No' to that food, then it has control over you and you are enslaved to it." 
I am feeling very humbled today, as I think about all the freedom I've been writing about and here I am, once again wanting to sift through my cupboards to find solace instead of dancing with the joy that God offers to me daily. 
Here are a few verses that comfort me, as Lysa says, "We serve a compassionate God. A God who knew food would be a major stumbling block" (63) and he gave us the Bible filled with understanding:

• Philippians 3:18 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach...
• Psalm 81:9-10 "You must never have a foreign god; you must not bow down before a false god. For it was I, the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
• Galations 4:8 "Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to so-called gods that do not even exist"

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

A Conversation With a Girl Named Amy

This is an unexpected blog, that I am writing quickly before I head to bed. I just really wanted to share a glimpse of what this process looks like on a random night.

Last week my mom and I put to paper the lies that we often believe that cause us to leave our food plans. With those lies we wrote down the truth, and then we backed it up with scripture. One of the lies that my mom wrote was, "I feel too tired to do this. I don't care anymore." We spent a lot of time on this one trying to figure out what the truth actually was; she did feel tired at the end of a long workday. We decided that the truth had to be that she actually does care. Maybe not right this minute, but deep-down she does care, and she will certainly care tomorrow.  Along with that truth she wrote down scripture that she likes:

Isaiah 45:23 "I will go before you and level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." 

She chose that scripture because we both got chills reading it. It's just such a beautiful declaration: God- the creater of all- will level his mountains for me- ME! 

Well this week was difficult for my mom so she was pulling out those truths often. We just had a phone conversation, and I wanted to share it with you.

Amy: I feel like I have been so confused about the truths this week. Every day there was a little something that I ate that wasn't on my food plan.
Erin: Well, what lies have you been believing this week? What has lured you to eat the wrong things?
Amy: I don't know! I guess it's the one that I feel really tired and I just don't care anymore. But I would sit and think about it- and try to remember the truth, and I thought, "I really, really, just don't care." I even tried to use the scripture and I ended up praying to God, "Don't worry about those mountains, you don't have to go out of your way for me today."
Erin: Hmm. Shoot. So obviously that defense isn't working. We need to find a different verse... and maybe a different truth. Could it be that Satan is whispering in your ear that you are tired, but actually you are just fine?
Amy: Well... I AM really tired, though. After such a long, busy, and stressful day I don't want to make myself a healthy broccoli omelet- I just want whatever is on the counter- regardless of the calories.
Erin: Yeah. What abo-
Amy: I know! Tired, Shmired! It doesn't matter how I feel. I need to obey no matter what. I'll use the verse, Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"

As I have realized that my food issue isn't a physical battle, but rather a spiritual one, I have been reminded over and over again of Ephesians 6. Paul tells us to put on the armor of God, so that we can fight against the devil's strategies or schemes. What strikes me the most is that we need the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Eph. 6:17). When we need to attack Satan and the lies he is feeding us, we need to use our sword- the sword of God's word.  If we keep getting knocked down using a particular verse, then we need to find a different sword- maybe a lighter and pointy-er one, or a chunky one with lots of little spikes.

How Much Do Socks Really Weigh?

Number, Numbers, Numbers. I suppose that after all this talk about getting the food obsessions under control you're all wondering how the numbers are looking? I would gladly publicize my numbers except that I don't know if they will do any good. Lysa points out that to some, my number may be "horrifyingly high" and to others is may be a "dream weight." Either way, the actual numbers themselves might be more of an encouragement if they are kept secret.  I will say that I have lost 37 pounds at this point and I am five pounds away from my "dream" weight-which I thought was just a crazy dream. I am a nursing mother, (which is a big reason I didn't choose to count calories as my food plan) so the weight fell off fairly quickly once I started obeying what it was asking for and how much of it it wanted. Losing those pounds so quickly really helped me stay focused and encouraged every week. I don't think I could have effectively changed my mind so quickly without the immediate reward of the weight loss. Which is why I applaud my mom with a standing ovation. She has lost 30 pounds and she has had to struggle with the weight coming off more slowly or not coming off at all for periods of time (that seemed to drag on forever).  If there was a week when my number hadn't gone down I would have to spend a lot of time focusing on the bigger picture and there were times when I just wanted to give up (another lie from Satan: "You're not losing weight anymore, what's the point of obeying if you're not losing weight....") In comparison my mom has stayed focused even as her accountability partner drew a steeper line down the weight graph than she gets to. That takes some serious resolve.
Usually after the weekly weigh-in we would have to remind ourselves of the real issues of Made to Crave and the whole food battle.The real issue is the heart issue. I laugh as I write that because when I began opening my mind up to Made to Crave I was motivated solely and exclusively by weight loss. I couldn't imagine anything else surpassing that. As I went through the book and I began to realize that I made food an idol, I also realized that I have two additional pedestals in my life that are as big an issue as food is. The first biggie is shopping (oh, boy!- there is a completely different Pandora's box!) and the next was weight loss. I wanted to weigh myself every day, and sometimes twice a day. I wanted to measure my successes and failures based on the numbers on the scale, and I often stepped off the scale to shed what weight I could in the bathroom, nurse my baby, and de-robe to see if I could get those numbers to change. I ended up adding a rule to my food plan, and that was that I am only allow to weigh myself once a week. The week I added that rule, I realized just how often my thoughts wondered about my weight. It could absolutely be classified as an obsession. Lysa devotes a whole chapter to this persuasion. She challenges us to ask ourselves a list of questions to gauge our successes instead of using the numbers on the scale. These questions are taken from the Participants Guide (72):

• Did I overeat this week on any day?
• Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration?
• Did I feel that, at any time, I ran to food instead of God?
• Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I'd had a successful, God-pleasing week?

I had a handful of weeks when I answered these questions as a failure and I still had lost some weight. As happy as I was that the numbers changed, I still felt embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like I was still in bondage to food, and I took very little joy out of the weight loss that week.

Lysa writes that at one point she felt like God was saying to her: "I am not taking you on this journey because I need you to weigh less. I am taking you on this journey because I desire you to be healthy in every sense of the word" (71).  So when I would step on the scale after a "fail" week, and I would have lost a pound or two, I would turn a corner of my mouth down, bow my head humbly, offer a bashful thank you to God, and realize even more that the real issues of my food battle, is my obedience to him.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

The Anatomy of a FAIL

I have nearly every other paragraph underlined as I read the through the meat of Made to Crave. She very clearly identifies my real issues of overeating...

•             ...but then you're invited to a party. Your friends are quick to say, "Oh come on, just one won't hurt. This is a special day." And that cheesecake does look good. The tortilla chips and salsa are irresistible. This is a special night. You can just start again tomorrow. Or this weekend. Or Monday. Or the first of next month [...] It is so tempting to give in...Pretend it won't matter (49).

She tells me there is a way out of the vicious circle of dieting or being unhappy with my weight...

•             It's the denial of a fundamental spiritual truth that will make a healthy eating plan fall apart time and time again (49).

•             We were made for more than this[!]...more than being ruled by taste buds(49).

•             We are made for the same hope and power that raised Christ from the dead (55).

And then she tells me that now that I have seen the truth, I can't just walk away and continue my spiritual journey at status quo...

•             [Becoming] a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control (60).

•             "That food choice is permissible but not beneficial- so don't eat it." Food isn't sinful. But when food is what Satan holds up in front of us and says, "You'll never be free from this battle. You will always bounce from feeling deprived when you're dieting to feeling guilty when you're splurging. Victory isn't possible. You aren't capable of self-control with food," we must see that its inappropriate consummation can be his lure to draw our heart into a place of defeat. For others it will be sex outside of marriage, the inappropriate consumption of alcohol, illegal drugs, or some other physical means (61).

•             Their destiny is destruction; their god is their stomachs... (Philippians 3:19) (65).

These are the passages that meant something to me and so I wanted to share them. They may not mean the same thing to you- I know my mom has many different passages underlined in her book, but I really wanted to write about the culminating truth that I gathered after reading these passages.  And that is that I am not in a constant state of war, or addiction, or deprivation. I’ve just been deceived into confusion.  I needed to identify the steps that take me into that state of depraved confusion and so... viola:

STEP ONE: BELIEVE A LIE

I have always known that some of Satan's names are King of Lies and the Deceiver, but I never really knew it. He is such a crafty liar! Oh. My. Word. These are common lies that I get snagged on:

             I won't enjoy myself at events if I'm not enjoying the food...

             Food will make my bad day better...

             Those kinds of candy bars are only offered once a year...

             I have done so well all week, I can 'have off' for supper tonight...

             It's not fair that I can't eat like my skinny friends...

             I worked so hard on this meal, I deserve to eat it...

             We spent so much money on this food and I can't take it home with me, so I shouldn't waste it...

             I made the food plan, I can change the food plan...

As my mom and I would talk about why were went off our food plan, we would get embarrassed as we were saying- out loud- our justifications, which seemed so petty and foolish, especially outside the moment of indulgence. The more I recognized the "justifications" to eat something off of my food plan, the more I realized that Satan works very hard to deceive me into being a slave to food.

STEP TWO: INSERT EAR PLUGS

It's amazing how quickly I can get ear plugs in my ears so that I can't hear the Spirit's soft guidance. I can shut out His voice and cling to whatever lie is being dangled in front of me. The quicker I get those ear plugs in, the less the lie seems like a lie and looks more like common sense... as long as I don't give it too much thought.

STEP THREE: EAT FAST, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT

When I am shoveling food into my mouth I realize that that is a symptom that I am in the middle of the FAIL Process. I want to eat the rest of my plate before the Spirit's voice breaks through my ear plugs, and I make sure to avoid the people who help me see the truth. Sometimes that means hanging out in the kitchen long enough for me to finish chewing so that my mom or my husband won't know that I have eaten something. Often that means that I keep my eyes on my bowl of chili instead of taking part in conversation around the table. 

Example of the Process:  Today I am finally baking my sourdough bread (made from scratch) and we are honoring the snow with beef stew. Around 11 am my stomach is roaring and I am ready to eat lunch. As I look at the cookbook for the next step up bread making I realize that I still have two more hours to wait while the dough needs to rest and rise for the zillionth time. I decide to join my two year old for a small macaroni and cheese lunch while the 'adult' meal finishes up. Two hours later the bread smells delicious and the stew is done. I let "the guys" (my husband and brother-in-law) know but they decide to take their time coming to the table. I'm feeling a little relieved because my stomach is growling yet (still processing the mac and cheese) so I head to the couch to read my book. Five minutes later the guys are up and dishing their food. I take a breath. I'm not supposed to join them, I'm not hungry yet. I go to look in the crock pot to check on it and I slice some bread for the guys. I decide that I'm due to be hungry anytime now and I want to sit with a couple of adults and share the experience of Stew And Bread. I worked SO hard the bread and it's not fair that I can't enjoy it fresh out of the oven [Step one: believe the lies! The truth is that I can sit at the table and enjoy adult conversation without food in my mouth, and I will be able to enjoy all my hard work if I just wait 45 minutes longer]. As I scoop my bowl and cut my bread I turn my mind off, and keep my thoughts away from the action at hand [Step Two: insert ear plugs]. I start eating and purposefully avoid my husband’s gaze just in case he is going to do his job as my partner and verify that I am allowed to partake [Step 3: eat fast, don't make eye contact].

The thing is- I didn't enjoy the stew. I've gotten so accustomed to adding the best ingredient of hunger to everything I eat that it didn't taste good, and I didn't actually even like the flavoring. But I had turned my brain off and was in the middle of mindlessly eating- just the way Satan wants me to be.

Recognizing that my food addiction, my problem with gluttony, my love of food is all just one big masterpiece that Satan has been working on for years was one of the many truths that made me feel free. It made me feel empowered! My eating is not a problem within me- it's just directed at me. It's not within my nature to have this problem, I am free of it. And just like I say "No" to Satan when he urges me to steal, or lie, or kick over garbage cans, I can also say "No" to him when he wants me to eat something off of my food plan. Whenever I am looking at a piece of food, or hankering for a second helping of macaroni, or fantasizing about making bread I ask myself, "What lie am I believing right now?" Sometimes I have a hard time pin-pointing the lie. I'll call out a little prayer to God, and sometimes I'll hear his answer, but sometimes the voice in my head beckoning me is too loud, so I'll need to get a hold of my mom (quickly) so she can help pinpoint the lie. Once I've found that lie it is SO EASY to say NO to cupcakes, or second helpings.

Example of the interrupting the Process: I'm on my way to Subway to pick the family up some dinner. I can't stop thinking about the cookies there. I think, "The reason I put cookies on my No No Food Plan is because I was eating so much of them that I just had to get it under control. It's been months since I've had a cookie, and I am only seven pounds away from my goal weight. I'm just going to change my food plan to allow an occasional cookie. I'm not worshipping the cookie; I am very in control of my actions. I am thinking through this process and I'm not being frivolous [lie]. Cookies are officially allowed. And I'm going to get one tonight." [earplugs] My mantra "What lie am I believing right now?" flitted through my mind before I put both ear plugs in and I called my mom to tell her that my food plan is officially changed. She said that, True, I can change my food plan, but I should do it tomorrow, when I am not hearing the voice of the cookie in my head, and that I shouldn't get the cookies tonight. I was believing the lie that I deserved the cookie after losing some weight, and the lie that I clear-headed enough to change my food plan at that moment.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com