Humph.

As I have been slow to post anything new, I have felt God asking me if I have any homework that I should be doing. I knew He was talking about this blog. From the beginning He was the one that urged me to start it. I had thought that He would use my transparency to encourage other people; but as I am here today, this blog is actually meant to encourage me. Having reached my goal weight I stopped reading the last couple chapters of the book, I stopped focusing every thought on the concepts and truths that have gotten me through the last 42 pounds, and I slowly drifted away from the joy that God has given me. I haven't ignored the truths and dived into my old ways, and I haven't gained any new pounds; but this journey isn't over, and this blog isn't supposed to be over yet either.

This morning I was wandering my house wondering what I should do, how I should fill my time. Without food, I felt at a loss and I began thinking more and more about finding something to eat or having another cup of really creamer-y coffee. God again asked me, "Don't you have some homework that needs to be done? A book that should be read? A blog to post?"

    I answered, "I don't really know what to say in the blog."

   "Well, have you read the last few chapters of the book?"

   "Um, no. But when I glanced at them last time it just seemed to repeat everything and it didn't seem to be very helpful."

   "That's because you weren't ready for those chapters yet. This is a process,  Erin. You hadn't gone through the fire long enough to understand those chapters yet. Read them. They will mean something to you now. Do the homework I've assigned."

One of the chapters in Made to Crave is titled "The Curse of the Skinny Jeans".  She shares a thought we all have had (... well, except for skinny people and nutritionists...),"If only I could put on those skinny jeans, my whole world would fall into place and put a permanent smile on my face" (120). That has been my theme thought of the last five years. At all social gatherings, I believed that if I could be wearing my skinny clothes I could enjoy my time so much better. I wouldn't be embarrassed; I would be confident. At playgroups, I saw my friends handling parenthood so well, and there was a part of me that believed that it's because they don't have to be ashamed of their bodies; they can be sprite, sexy mammas who don’t have to waste time and energy hiding their hips. When my husband and I would meet up with his old school friends, I would feel badly that my husband couldn’t show off a thin and beautiful wife to his old chums; that he chose a wife that got fat. Everything else in the world could be better if only I were in my skinny jeans. Today I am comfortably wearing my skinny jeans . How are things, you ask? Let’s talk about that.
   I'm sure no one will be surprised to find that I am feeling down, bored, frustrated, tired, and thanks to my greasy hair and coffee breath I'm not feeling very sexy.
   I am also surprised to see a lot of fluffiness that I didn’t know accompanied this weight and I think my body is still showing consequences of sinful eating. I am back on my “No No Foods” and hope to lose a few more pounds.
  I now have a free space in my mind that is designated for Jesus food that used to be consumed with plans for lunch- or shame.  This is a cool change in me. From the beginning I kept thinking that being so focus minded on God would be boring and dull. Remember that prayer I wrote to God early on, "I don't believe that you are any fun!"? It is a lie that Satan has used and is still very effectively using. But one night I was in the middle of a forty-five minute drive home and I was letting my mind wander. Since I didn't have the kids with me, I automatically started thinking about which drive thru I was going to go through or which snack I should pick up at the grocery store. Before my mind even formed a full thought I gladly dropped the idea. I wasn't hungry. No reason to make any stops. And then my mind was blank. There wasn't anything else calling for my attention. And so I smiled and said "Hey," to God. I laughed with him about how my mind didn't know what to do if it wasn't worshipping the food idol. That night I felt pure JOY and I didn’t know that JOY was so much fun.
   But if I’m not filling that space with prayer, praise, joy, service, or scripture it's just another place that can easily get filled up with lies, confusion, and pain.

Today I haven’t been eating Jesus food, and I have found that I still don’t handle boredom well. I keep forgetting why I can’t munch on crackers with my kids, especially since I haven’t stuffed myself for months. Lysa talked about the cravings, and that they are actually signs that our souls are crying out for Jesus food. But those truths and epiphanies didn’t seem as weighty and helpful. It didn’t seem like using food to fill my boredom was a craving- it felt like it was a form of entertainment- just like reading a book or watching tv.  And so, even though my belly was not asking for food, I would sit and slowly chew my cracker and think about all the skinny people who get handfuls of crackers all the time. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mom and we were having a Made to Crave check-in that I began getting clarity about my crackers. She was drowning with her desire for food and we spent some time pulling her out of the sea of gluttony. As I listened to her talk about the food she wants and the lies she was believing I realized that in wanting to use food in any way, shape, or form outside of using it for fuel, I was putting my floating inner tube in the water and wanting to float and play with the dangerous sea. The lie that I was believing was that I was strong enough to be in the sea without drowning in it. My curse of the skinny jeans is that I feel more powerful than I actually am against my food foe. I still need to fight just as hard, and stay just as wary to stay in the freedom that God has given me from food enslavement.  I'm not a "skinny person" who gets to put her floaty on any sea and play happily. There is a collar with my name around and Satan is antsy to get me back into slavery with a cracker.

Why Am I Always Surprised That I Am Not Stronger Than God?

How can I write about truth and freedom and living in God's power and then struggle so desperately? I just spent the last four days (Thanksgiving weekend) struggling and carrying more food around in my belly than I am accustomed. The old me would just say that during the holidays it is expected to stuff myself. The new me didn't bat an eyelash at the upcoming festivities as I was filled with confidence that the holidays wouldn't be any different than any other day. I was confident in God's truth, I was confident in my willingness to believe God's truth, and I was confident in my own self control. There is a verse that is smacking me around right now, 1 Corinthians 10: 12-14 "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation as seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry." I have read that verse dozens of times, and I hadn't truly read the words that I wrote in bold. When did God tack on the idolatry statement after fleeing temptation? As my eyes have been opened to my idolatry, I am taken aback by how often God is at war with it. To date, whenever I read that word I thought about golden calves and ornate pagan alters. Now, I see macaroni and cheese and Doritos; most recently I see snicker-apple salad and malt balls. As I roamed the kitchen, laden with the usual holiday goodies I did swing my sword and ask myself, "What lies are you believing right now, Erin, that is making you desire this food so much?"  I didn't spend any time trying to answer that question, and really, I had put it from my mind before I was done asking it.  I arrived at the holiday dinner confident in myself and therefore neglected to put on the Armor of God. Apparently, walls were already up and ear plugs were already in. Throughout the dinner, I had been keeping my head above water, eating only a small serving but my stomach filled up way before I wanted to be done. In a small show of gusto, I went to my husband and told him, "I'm done. My belly is full. If I eat any more it is because I am bowing down to the idol of food." I walked from the room about to throw my plate away and saw that there was still a dollop of snicker-apple salad left. And I ate it. In that minute, the only thing I could think about was that salad. It felt torturous to throw it away. It didn't seem sinful to eat it. It was just one bite. But the truth is that I was made for more than feeling defenseless against yummy food. Romans 8:11 "The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you..." 
 Now I am home and pulling forth the courage and energy to face my God; feeling like I've been down this path more times that I can count and can't I just skip it this time? But if I want to continue this awesome journey with Him, I know that I need to 'fess up. So, as I am on my knees I reminded God of the aforementioned verse in Ephesions (he remembered it), and he gently but firmly opened my eyes to the first part of that verse, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" And with that I felt him saying, "Erin, darling, this holiday weekend is not the climax of the sin you need to be apologizing for. It's just the repercussions of the sin preceding it." And I realized that I had been silently "struggling" for a month now, putting more and more faith in myself and my own control over food with less faith and submission to God. My real sin was priding myself on "my power" over food and that holiday weekend proved that I am not strong enough to overcome the song that food sings to me.
I have been eating a little more than I should regularly. Again, eating food isn't a problem, but the reason I'm eating that food is because I just can't seem to help myself, or I just can't resist that last bite, or I just want a quick taste. I'm putting post cards up in my kitchen today saying, "If you're stomach isn't growling, that bite isn't going into your mouth. If that isn't a part of the serving you should have, it isn't going into your mouth. If you can't say 'No' to that food, then it has control over you and you are enslaved to it." 
I am feeling very humbled today, as I think about all the freedom I've been writing about and here I am, once again wanting to sift through my cupboards to find solace instead of dancing with the joy that God offers to me daily. 
Here are a few verses that comfort me, as Lysa says, "We serve a compassionate God. A God who knew food would be a major stumbling block" (63) and he gave us the Bible filled with understanding:

• Philippians 3:18 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach...
• Psalm 81:9-10 "You must never have a foreign god; you must not bow down before a false god. For it was I, the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
• Galations 4:8 "Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to so-called gods that do not even exist"

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

A Conversation With a Girl Named Amy

This is an unexpected blog, that I am writing quickly before I head to bed. I just really wanted to share a glimpse of what this process looks like on a random night.

Last week my mom and I put to paper the lies that we often believe that cause us to leave our food plans. With those lies we wrote down the truth, and then we backed it up with scripture. One of the lies that my mom wrote was, "I feel too tired to do this. I don't care anymore." We spent a lot of time on this one trying to figure out what the truth actually was; she did feel tired at the end of a long workday. We decided that the truth had to be that she actually does care. Maybe not right this minute, but deep-down she does care, and she will certainly care tomorrow.  Along with that truth she wrote down scripture that she likes:

Isaiah 45:23 "I will go before you and level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." 

She chose that scripture because we both got chills reading it. It's just such a beautiful declaration: God- the creater of all- will level his mountains for me- ME! 

Well this week was difficult for my mom so she was pulling out those truths often. We just had a phone conversation, and I wanted to share it with you.

Amy: I feel like I have been so confused about the truths this week. Every day there was a little something that I ate that wasn't on my food plan.
Erin: Well, what lies have you been believing this week? What has lured you to eat the wrong things?
Amy: I don't know! I guess it's the one that I feel really tired and I just don't care anymore. But I would sit and think about it- and try to remember the truth, and I thought, "I really, really, just don't care." I even tried to use the scripture and I ended up praying to God, "Don't worry about those mountains, you don't have to go out of your way for me today."
Erin: Hmm. Shoot. So obviously that defense isn't working. We need to find a different verse... and maybe a different truth. Could it be that Satan is whispering in your ear that you are tired, but actually you are just fine?
Amy: Well... I AM really tired, though. After such a long, busy, and stressful day I don't want to make myself a healthy broccoli omelet- I just want whatever is on the counter- regardless of the calories.
Erin: Yeah. What abo-
Amy: I know! Tired, Shmired! It doesn't matter how I feel. I need to obey no matter what. I'll use the verse, Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"

As I have realized that my food issue isn't a physical battle, but rather a spiritual one, I have been reminded over and over again of Ephesians 6. Paul tells us to put on the armor of God, so that we can fight against the devil's strategies or schemes. What strikes me the most is that we need the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Eph. 6:17). When we need to attack Satan and the lies he is feeding us, we need to use our sword- the sword of God's word.  If we keep getting knocked down using a particular verse, then we need to find a different sword- maybe a lighter and pointy-er one, or a chunky one with lots of little spikes.

How Much Do Socks Really Weigh?

Number, Numbers, Numbers. I suppose that after all this talk about getting the food obsessions under control you're all wondering how the numbers are looking? I would gladly publicize my numbers except that I don't know if they will do any good. Lysa points out that to some, my number may be "horrifyingly high" and to others is may be a "dream weight." Either way, the actual numbers themselves might be more of an encouragement if they are kept secret.  I will say that I have lost 37 pounds at this point and I am five pounds away from my "dream" weight-which I thought was just a crazy dream. I am a nursing mother, (which is a big reason I didn't choose to count calories as my food plan) so the weight fell off fairly quickly once I started obeying what it was asking for and how much of it it wanted. Losing those pounds so quickly really helped me stay focused and encouraged every week. I don't think I could have effectively changed my mind so quickly without the immediate reward of the weight loss. Which is why I applaud my mom with a standing ovation. She has lost 30 pounds and she has had to struggle with the weight coming off more slowly or not coming off at all for periods of time (that seemed to drag on forever).  If there was a week when my number hadn't gone down I would have to spend a lot of time focusing on the bigger picture and there were times when I just wanted to give up (another lie from Satan: "You're not losing weight anymore, what's the point of obeying if you're not losing weight....") In comparison my mom has stayed focused even as her accountability partner drew a steeper line down the weight graph than she gets to. That takes some serious resolve.
Usually after the weekly weigh-in we would have to remind ourselves of the real issues of Made to Crave and the whole food battle.The real issue is the heart issue. I laugh as I write that because when I began opening my mind up to Made to Crave I was motivated solely and exclusively by weight loss. I couldn't imagine anything else surpassing that. As I went through the book and I began to realize that I made food an idol, I also realized that I have two additional pedestals in my life that are as big an issue as food is. The first biggie is shopping (oh, boy!- there is a completely different Pandora's box!) and the next was weight loss. I wanted to weigh myself every day, and sometimes twice a day. I wanted to measure my successes and failures based on the numbers on the scale, and I often stepped off the scale to shed what weight I could in the bathroom, nurse my baby, and de-robe to see if I could get those numbers to change. I ended up adding a rule to my food plan, and that was that I am only allow to weigh myself once a week. The week I added that rule, I realized just how often my thoughts wondered about my weight. It could absolutely be classified as an obsession. Lysa devotes a whole chapter to this persuasion. She challenges us to ask ourselves a list of questions to gauge our successes instead of using the numbers on the scale. These questions are taken from the Participants Guide (72):

• Did I overeat this week on any day?
• Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration?
• Did I feel that, at any time, I ran to food instead of God?
• Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I'd had a successful, God-pleasing week?

I had a handful of weeks when I answered these questions as a failure and I still had lost some weight. As happy as I was that the numbers changed, I still felt embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like I was still in bondage to food, and I took very little joy out of the weight loss that week.

Lysa writes that at one point she felt like God was saying to her: "I am not taking you on this journey because I need you to weigh less. I am taking you on this journey because I desire you to be healthy in every sense of the word" (71).  So when I would step on the scale after a "fail" week, and I would have lost a pound or two, I would turn a corner of my mouth down, bow my head humbly, offer a bashful thank you to God, and realize even more that the real issues of my food battle, is my obedience to him.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

The Anatomy of a FAIL

I have nearly every other paragraph underlined as I read the through the meat of Made to Crave. She very clearly identifies my real issues of overeating...

•             ...but then you're invited to a party. Your friends are quick to say, "Oh come on, just one won't hurt. This is a special day." And that cheesecake does look good. The tortilla chips and salsa are irresistible. This is a special night. You can just start again tomorrow. Or this weekend. Or Monday. Or the first of next month [...] It is so tempting to give in...Pretend it won't matter (49).

She tells me there is a way out of the vicious circle of dieting or being unhappy with my weight...

•             It's the denial of a fundamental spiritual truth that will make a healthy eating plan fall apart time and time again (49).

•             We were made for more than this[!]...more than being ruled by taste buds(49).

•             We are made for the same hope and power that raised Christ from the dead (55).

And then she tells me that now that I have seen the truth, I can't just walk away and continue my spiritual journey at status quo...

•             [Becoming] a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control (60).

•             "That food choice is permissible but not beneficial- so don't eat it." Food isn't sinful. But when food is what Satan holds up in front of us and says, "You'll never be free from this battle. You will always bounce from feeling deprived when you're dieting to feeling guilty when you're splurging. Victory isn't possible. You aren't capable of self-control with food," we must see that its inappropriate consummation can be his lure to draw our heart into a place of defeat. For others it will be sex outside of marriage, the inappropriate consumption of alcohol, illegal drugs, or some other physical means (61).

•             Their destiny is destruction; their god is their stomachs... (Philippians 3:19) (65).

These are the passages that meant something to me and so I wanted to share them. They may not mean the same thing to you- I know my mom has many different passages underlined in her book, but I really wanted to write about the culminating truth that I gathered after reading these passages.  And that is that I am not in a constant state of war, or addiction, or deprivation. I’ve just been deceived into confusion.  I needed to identify the steps that take me into that state of depraved confusion and so... viola:

STEP ONE: BELIEVE A LIE

I have always known that some of Satan's names are King of Lies and the Deceiver, but I never really knew it. He is such a crafty liar! Oh. My. Word. These are common lies that I get snagged on:

             I won't enjoy myself at events if I'm not enjoying the food...

             Food will make my bad day better...

             Those kinds of candy bars are only offered once a year...

             I have done so well all week, I can 'have off' for supper tonight...

             It's not fair that I can't eat like my skinny friends...

             I worked so hard on this meal, I deserve to eat it...

             We spent so much money on this food and I can't take it home with me, so I shouldn't waste it...

             I made the food plan, I can change the food plan...

As my mom and I would talk about why were went off our food plan, we would get embarrassed as we were saying- out loud- our justifications, which seemed so petty and foolish, especially outside the moment of indulgence. The more I recognized the "justifications" to eat something off of my food plan, the more I realized that Satan works very hard to deceive me into being a slave to food.

STEP TWO: INSERT EAR PLUGS

It's amazing how quickly I can get ear plugs in my ears so that I can't hear the Spirit's soft guidance. I can shut out His voice and cling to whatever lie is being dangled in front of me. The quicker I get those ear plugs in, the less the lie seems like a lie and looks more like common sense... as long as I don't give it too much thought.

STEP THREE: EAT FAST, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT

When I am shoveling food into my mouth I realize that that is a symptom that I am in the middle of the FAIL Process. I want to eat the rest of my plate before the Spirit's voice breaks through my ear plugs, and I make sure to avoid the people who help me see the truth. Sometimes that means hanging out in the kitchen long enough for me to finish chewing so that my mom or my husband won't know that I have eaten something. Often that means that I keep my eyes on my bowl of chili instead of taking part in conversation around the table. 

Example of the Process:  Today I am finally baking my sourdough bread (made from scratch) and we are honoring the snow with beef stew. Around 11 am my stomach is roaring and I am ready to eat lunch. As I look at the cookbook for the next step up bread making I realize that I still have two more hours to wait while the dough needs to rest and rise for the zillionth time. I decide to join my two year old for a small macaroni and cheese lunch while the 'adult' meal finishes up. Two hours later the bread smells delicious and the stew is done. I let "the guys" (my husband and brother-in-law) know but they decide to take their time coming to the table. I'm feeling a little relieved because my stomach is growling yet (still processing the mac and cheese) so I head to the couch to read my book. Five minutes later the guys are up and dishing their food. I take a breath. I'm not supposed to join them, I'm not hungry yet. I go to look in the crock pot to check on it and I slice some bread for the guys. I decide that I'm due to be hungry anytime now and I want to sit with a couple of adults and share the experience of Stew And Bread. I worked SO hard the bread and it's not fair that I can't enjoy it fresh out of the oven [Step one: believe the lies! The truth is that I can sit at the table and enjoy adult conversation without food in my mouth, and I will be able to enjoy all my hard work if I just wait 45 minutes longer]. As I scoop my bowl and cut my bread I turn my mind off, and keep my thoughts away from the action at hand [Step Two: insert ear plugs]. I start eating and purposefully avoid my husband’s gaze just in case he is going to do his job as my partner and verify that I am allowed to partake [Step 3: eat fast, don't make eye contact].

The thing is- I didn't enjoy the stew. I've gotten so accustomed to adding the best ingredient of hunger to everything I eat that it didn't taste good, and I didn't actually even like the flavoring. But I had turned my brain off and was in the middle of mindlessly eating- just the way Satan wants me to be.

Recognizing that my food addiction, my problem with gluttony, my love of food is all just one big masterpiece that Satan has been working on for years was one of the many truths that made me feel free. It made me feel empowered! My eating is not a problem within me- it's just directed at me. It's not within my nature to have this problem, I am free of it. And just like I say "No" to Satan when he urges me to steal, or lie, or kick over garbage cans, I can also say "No" to him when he wants me to eat something off of my food plan. Whenever I am looking at a piece of food, or hankering for a second helping of macaroni, or fantasizing about making bread I ask myself, "What lie am I believing right now?" Sometimes I have a hard time pin-pointing the lie. I'll call out a little prayer to God, and sometimes I'll hear his answer, but sometimes the voice in my head beckoning me is too loud, so I'll need to get a hold of my mom (quickly) so she can help pinpoint the lie. Once I've found that lie it is SO EASY to say NO to cupcakes, or second helpings.

Example of the interrupting the Process: I'm on my way to Subway to pick the family up some dinner. I can't stop thinking about the cookies there. I think, "The reason I put cookies on my No No Food Plan is because I was eating so much of them that I just had to get it under control. It's been months since I've had a cookie, and I am only seven pounds away from my goal weight. I'm just going to change my food plan to allow an occasional cookie. I'm not worshipping the cookie; I am very in control of my actions. I am thinking through this process and I'm not being frivolous [lie]. Cookies are officially allowed. And I'm going to get one tonight." [earplugs] My mantra "What lie am I believing right now?" flitted through my mind before I put both ear plugs in and I called my mom to tell her that my food plan is officially changed. She said that, True, I can change my food plan, but I should do it tomorrow, when I am not hearing the voice of the cookie in my head, and that I shouldn't get the cookies tonight. I was believing the lie that I deserved the cookie after losing some weight, and the lie that I clear-headed enough to change my food plan at that moment.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

The Blood and Guts of the Fight

Scenario: Family get together at the cabin. The goals of the weekend are to relax, have fun, and enjoy each other's company. I don’t attend the McDowell family get together just for the food, but it is something I always look forward to. My sister-in-law always has a mouthwatering dish for each meal, and she invited me into the world of a perfectly made chocolate chip cookie. We all pile around a couple of dining room tables and enjoy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners with lots of laughter and conversation. I can always look forward to the hearty meals and delicious desserts (along with great company) at those family gatherings. And I always take the weekend “off” for any dieting. So while we are heading to the cabin just a few weeks into my new eating philosophies, I was wondering about my Food Plan. Surely I don’t have to obey the rule about no cookies; and it would be so rude to not eat according to the meal schedule with everyone else. It seems perfectly acceptable to not worry about what is going in my mouth on such a special weekend.
I had a long talk with my mom before traveling. To fully prepare and equip me for battle, we had to identify the lies we often believe about food: Food makes things more fun. Food makes me happy. Eating whatever I want in whatever quantity I want perfectly natural during a weekend with family.

We replaced them with the truths we’ve been discovering: Food does not equal fun: it can, and often does, make me fat and sick. Food does not make me happy: socializing makes me happy and food can, and often does, make me feel guilty and depressed. Eating whatever I want, in whatever quantity I want it is a fleshly indulgence,it is letting food rule my decisions and actions, replacing God.

I am so thankful to my family for not making that weekend more difficult than it needed to be. They encouraged me as I sat at the dinner table with an empty plate, just waiting and waiting for my stomach to growl so I could join in. They didn’t offer or push any NO-NO foods on me (though I knew exactly where they were on the counter top nearly the whole weekend). They were a major stepping stone in helping me break free of my slavery to food in any and every event. But it was still a very private, hard battle.

I can’t tell you the rest of the weekend without telling you about the song I need to sing nearly all of the time as my main weapon of defense. It is Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans. Nearly every word gives me strength: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KsfwvpcQhY

I’m trading my sorrows (over being overweight, and not fitting into my clothing)
I’m trading my shame (of how I look in shorts and a bathing suit)
I’m laying them down, for the joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness (after eating too much)
I’m trading my pain (after eating too much)
I’m laying them down, for the joy of the Lord

And I say, Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord (I will obey you, the system you made for my body to eat healthily)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord (I will obey your command that I have no other gods before you)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord, Amen. (No more argument, no more fighting, I will walk away.)

I am pressed, but not crushed, (this is really hard!)
Persecuted, not abandoned, (really, really hard!!)
Struck down, but not destroyed. (I totally just licked the batter)
I am blessed beyond this curse, his promises endure, (I’m sorry. You have made me stronger than this, I can do this with you)
His joy will be my strength (The peace and joy you offer is a much better return that getting seconds of lasagna)

And I say, Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord, (I will obey you, the system you made for my body to eat healthily)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord(I will obey you command that I have no other gods before you)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord, Amen. (No more argument, not more fighting, I will walk away.)

At one point I was standing in the kitchen at the counter, looking at three different kinds of cookies. Silently I sang this song three times. Yes, three. I ended up sighing heavily and walking outside with my two year old where I could sing that song out loud.

Whenever a specific food calls my name I sing the chorus to myself (“Yes, Lord; yes, Lord; yes, yes, Lord”). If I am still itching to put one more scoop on my plate past my serving size I sing the entire song- over and over until I walk away in victory. The bridge to that song makes me cry, and it is simply "La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la,la la" but as I'm turning my back on the food that it outside of my plan I sing that part loudly and victorious.

I sang that song a lot that weekend. But the entire experience was so eye-opening to me; I can enjoy the weekend just as much, if not more, without the food. That thought boggles my mind every day. It's such a foreign concept. It's such a FREEING TRUTH.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Thi- Oh! A Brownie!

Before I dive into describing life on my new food plan, I need to make an amendment to my previous blog. My food plan was originally a little different and within the first week of living by it I had to change it again. The plan I shared originally was:

·         Eat ONLY when my stomach is growling hungry.

·         Eat ONLY one serving at a time (yes, I need to measure out my cereal, pasta, and ice cream with my 3/4 cup measuring cups).

·         NO cakes.

·         NO cookies.

·         NO deep-fried foods.

·         NO pastry/ quick breads

I also had on it:    Unlimited amount of fruit and veggies.

I planned on using that allowance to fill the in between times, of when I wasn’t hungry but I was wanting to eat something, and I planned on the fruits and veggies replacing my need for cookies and cakes. But very quickly, I realized that I didn’t need that allowance. If I was feeling munchy in the middle of day I recognized that as my body calling out for spiritual food, because my stomach certainly wasn’t growling. I didn’t need to run to that apple, instead I sang a worship song. As I passed delicious smelling doughnuts and my mouth watered and I started to feel desperate, the image of Jesus on the cross next to that doughnut came to mind. I felt that if I couldn’t turn away from that doughnut, then that doughnut owned me. So instead I would say (often out loud), “You don’t own me. I am FREE from you to turn and walk away.” Again, there was no need to miserably chew on carrot sticks to distract my tongue from the delicious pastry. So though I can still eat as many fruits and veggies as I want, I eat them solely for nutritional value and not as a crutch.

Don’t be fooled. I wasn’t cured within a week. I was just in the honeymoon stage. There are definitely some very high ups and some very low downs. Since my mom was a week ahead of me in the process I was able to anticipate which roller coaster adventure I could look forward to. We had a lot of fun in the honeymoon stage together, planning on buying skinny clothes and reveling in the freedom from food we were experiencing. But man, oh man, the day after the honeymoon...

Early on in the book Lysa admits to sitting on her closet floor crying. Yes, crying. Neither my mom nor I fully understood why she was crying in the middle of this process. I had never cried because of a diet. I certainly never cried after losing some weight. So I just shrugged her off and marked her down as an emotional person. And then I got a call from my mom one night. Her nose was running and she was talking very haltingly. Fettuccine Alfredo was calling her name, and is was yelling so loudly she couldn’t hear anything else. She wanted to be done counting calories. She wanted to find enjoyment and happiness in a big bowl of pasta. She wanted to ignore what it meant to ignore the food plan, dive into fleshly indulgence, and fill herself to the brim. But she couldn’t just walk away from the truth of her food idolatry. As she talked through this process with me I was happy for her, but I couldn’t empathize yet. I was still honeymooning. I chalked this phone call up to a really addicted person.

I was genuinely surprised when my honeymoon ended a week later. I was angry that day. I didn’t want to wait to be hungry anymore. I wanted to have two bowls of cereal. I wanted to eat a French fry.  I wanted to find my usual physical and mental comforts in food again. I wanted to be friends with food again.  I was angry with God for showing me truth; truth of my idol worship; truth that eating what I wanted when I wanted equaled giving Jesus the finger. I desperately wanted to shut my mind off to how I had ingrained Jesus into my eating life. And I cried. Hard. I told God how angry I was. I told him that I didn’t know what to do now that the image of Jesus dying on the cross came to mind every time I took a second piece of pizza. I told him that I didn't want to give him the finger but if that means that cake would never enter my mouth again I wouldn't be able to promise anything. I tried to persuade myself that I'm not bowing down to mayonnaise, I'm just enjoying the gifts of food that God has given me.

God used my mom’s vocal cords that night so that I couldn’t use any excuses that I didn’t hear him loud and clear.  I ended that day still in obedience, but I resembled my two year crying his heart out while holding his hand just centimeters away from the object he isn’t allowed to touch. I spent that week "obeying" by waiting for my stomach to let me know when I can eat, but while I waited I daydreamed about which things I was going to eat next. As soon as I felt the faintest of hunger pangs I jumped up and headed for my third piece of cheesecake that day. Technically I was still in obedience, but really I was just caressing the Twinkie behind my back while watching Jesus suffocate to death. At the end of that week I had a therapy session with my mom and as I talked through my actions I was shocked to realize that after all that battling, and angst, and depression, I could hardly remember what foods I had so desperately longed for.

Chapter 4 of Made to Crave talks about needing an accountability partner but I didn’t realize how vitally important it was, at least for me. Over and over again she was a direct link from God’s voice to my ears. She would remind me of the truths that I would somehow forgot about, or as she shared her own epiphanies that God gave her, my mind opened up to more freedom. God used us as very effective tools for each other. He even invaded each of our dreaming worlds on more than a few occasions. One day I was trying my best to ignore God and I finished Tommy’s plate after every meal. I was planning on keeping it a secret and just starting over the next day, but when I saw my mom that next day she said, “So, I had a dream that you were eating anything and everything you wanted! It was so realistic I woke up feeling so sad for you!” My jaw dropped and my face went red. I admitted my rebellion to her and we were amazed at God’s involvement. Another awesome experience was when I woke up having dreamt that my mom was eating a cookie and told me that she was done with “this whole thing.” As per custom after waking up, I checked my email and decided to send her a note describing my dream. Within minutes I got a reply back saying that she still had remnants of cake in her mouth that she wanted to secretly eat. Wow. Neato, huh? 

I’m not saying that you need a person in your life to do this successfully, because God is all powerful and he does care enough to help you through this alone. But I’m sure that without my mom’s flesh and blood I would have been able to successfully ignore the spiritual spankings.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

Dieting: If at First You Don't Succeed, Find Another Diet... or Just Eat a Twinkie

Lysa's book is not the final, end-of-cellulite, look-no-further diet plan. It is a guide through your own personal diet plan. But she actually wants us to throw out our "diets." Diets don't work.  To quote her: "My changes were always temporary, so my results were always temporary"(38).  It seems silly to state the obvious, but for some reason I have a hard time absorbing the obvious, which is that the real solution is a lifestyle change. Ugh.
Alright. So step one of the lifestyle change: evaluate a healthy food plan that I can maintain for the rest of my life.
Before we set up our food plans, she asks us some questions:

If you were to plot out your usual diet plan what does it look like?

Beginning: I sit down with my graphs and charts, and make a grocery list. I plan out salads and proteins and fruit snacks. I get very excited to finally be doing something about my weight.

Middle: There is no middle.

End: I avoid the healthy fruits and veggies, planning on enjoying my last day (Er- days) of freedom, until they are too old to eat. When I discover that the food has (finally) gotten bad, I hide a smile as I throw it all out. As I walk away from the garbage can, a form of depression hits. I eat some of my favorite foods- maybe to soothe my spirits, maybe out of defiance to the diet- and give myself a pep talk promising that I won't stay this size forever, eventually something is going to happen and I am going to be skinny again. Somehow. Then I effectively close off my mind to the ideas that I even have a problem with food.

What is your biggest fear about choosing or following a food plan?
I fear feeling deprived all the time. I fear not eating all my favorite foods whenever I want to. I fear giving up baking a batch of cookies once a week and I fear going out to eat and not dipping my fries in mayo. Those are such fun surprises that I give myself. Those things are something to look forward to in my day. Without them life will be depressing instead of fun.

Which is why my entire body starting rioting when I read Lysa's food plan:

• Limited Carbs
• Limited Starch
• Allowed: Low-Fat Meat
• Allowed: Fruits and Veggies

The plan I decided for myself seems so free in comparison; it allows me to not change my shopping lists and to feed my two year old without cooking two meals. It caters to me and my specific needs. I had to narrow in my biggest issues with overeating so I could pinpoint where to begin with my food plan. My biggest problem is not obeying my body when it tells me it doesn't need anymore food. If someone says dinnertime, that means I need to eat dinner, whether or not I am licking my fingers having consumed half a bag of Doritos; or if JJ surprises me with a special ice cream treat, I can't just let it go to waste even though I'm not feeling hungry, because apparently I would rather go up a pant size than waste $1.19 and see that beautiful Twix Ice Cream Bar in the garbage can.

So my food plan looks like this:

• Eat ONLY when my stomach is growling hungry.
• Eat ONLY one serving at a time (yes, I need to measure out my cereal, pasta, and ice cream with my 3/4 cup measuring cups).
• NO cakes.
• NO cookies.
• NO deep-fried foods.
• NO pastry/ quick breads

It took my a long time to commit to write the No-No foods.
This food plan is suppose to be life-long, but in all honesty, once I reach my goal weight I am going to allow myself the No-No foods (within the structure of the first two rules). 

So what now?
Now it's time for step two. Which is sticking to that plan. Now that I know what I am allowed to eat and when I am allowed to eat it, anything off of that plan is a **fleshly indulgence**.
Popping the last of Tommy's muffin in my mouth: a fleshly indulgence.
Taking a bite of macaroni from the serving spoon right after I stir up the butter and cheese: a fleshly indulgence.
Not measuring my portions because I'm at a birthday party: a fleshly indulgence.
I had to call my mom a lot the first couple of weeks because I had a hard time understanding exactly what was so wrong with fleshly indulgences. 
We talked about Exodus 20: 3-4, "You may have no other gods before me. You may not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in the heavens above, the earth beneath, or the waters below. You may not bow down to them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God." I always took those to be about wooden statues or the sun or a cow. But it's bigger than that. Websters dictionary describes idolatry as "the worship of a picture or object as a god." Worship is defined as 1)"the act of showing respect and love for a god (especially by praying with other worshipers)" and 2) "excessive admiration." To bow is "to cease from competition or resistance."
This verse is no longer about lost Israelite's making golden calves. Its about walking by a buffet of food and it calling out to me. It all looks yummy. But I'm not hungry. But I love that food. I love how it tastes. It feels harder and harder to say NO to that food. Eventually the craving of my tongue is louder than my full belly and I cease to resist this temptation. I have now bowed to something I admire, and it was not the Creator of the universe. I have let food control my actions. I have committed idolatry.
My mom talked about the imagery she uses to remind her about what those fleshly indulgences actually are. She sees Jesus- her savior, her friend, her replacement on the cross- on his throne, and when she eats something that is not on her food plan she is taking Jesus off of his throne and putting that Suzy Q in his place.
The imagery that I use now, and it makes my knees buckle sometimes, is Jesus on the cross, broken and dying. Next to him is a table with the last of Tommy's muffin on it. And if I choose to pop that muffin into my mouth I am bowing down and worshipping that bite of muffin instead Jesus. As he watches.

We each need to find our own way of understanding this battle between God and food. What's yours?

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

**Glutton's Dictionary**

Fleshly Indulgence: Taking unrestrained pleasure

I Would Enjoy Galatians Better With Twix

The week after my mom talked to me about how the ideas of the book are actually affecting her life, I opened up the first few pages of the workbook and felt drawn and comforted by the questions. They weren't hard, and in fact, they were enjoyable to think on and write about. I was immediately struck by the hope that this book offered and I dived in emphatically.
I don't give "nutrition"/"self-help" books much credit because they lack the one thing that makes them readable: they don't speak my language. It's the unique language of Gluttony. It's a tricky language, either you get it or you don't. I'm pretty sure skinny people and all nutritionists don't. But within just a few pages of Made to Crave, Lysa TurKeurst proved to me that she could speak my language.
My goal in publishing this blog is to show other women that I, too, speak the language of Gluttony and to offer the same transparency and connection that Lysa offered to me. Lysa, however, is a pro at this writing thing, and I just enjoy the clicks of the keyboard so I hope to just direct your attention to the ideas she has so clearly laid out and to document the way her ideas touched this one woman.


To effectively record my journey, I am posting my answers to just a few of the questions and reflections that are offered each week. I urge you to answer these questions for yourself.
Here goes...

How would you describe the kinds of foods you typically eat to satisfy a craving?
Soft, fluffy, chewy, greasy, sweet/ cakes, cookies, pizza, candy bars 

What is it about this food that you enjoy so much?
I love looking online at the pizza specials and picking which pizza to eat. I love fantasizing about how it will smell, and feel in my mouth. I love deciding "I want some cookies" and getting up to make a homemade batch. I love impulsively grabbing a candy bar and opening the wrapper. What a fun little surprise I've just given myself! The anticipation in between the decision to eat something and getting that something into my mouth brings my so much excitement.

How do you feel before eating that food?
Giddy, hopeful, excited!

(The next few questions made me sit on my couch and really think. As I answered them I felt like a new, novel, absurd realization began to appear):

How do you feel about that food while you are eating it?
Happy at first: The chocolate is melting in my mouth, the garlic is making my mouth water for more. I love licking off the butter that is running down my finger. I can't help but moan a little when my tongue swishes through the cool whip. But... actually... after the hunger is satiated... I feel a little disappointed that it isn't as good as I had been fantasizing. I spent so much time imagining how wonderful it was going to be but as I chew I start thinking about what I could add to it or change to make it better.  

Or on the other hand, I don't even realize I'm eating it after the first three or four bites and I'm on autopilot finishing my plate. 

How do you feel about that food after you have eaten it?
I usually feel physically sick from having eaten too much.  I feel shameful for the amount I ate or the money I spent on it. I'm suddenly VERY aware of my fat. If I haven't stuffed myself I am thinking about what I want to eat next because you can't eat sweet and not end on salty.

I was also asked to think about my cravings- more specifically, to think behind those craving- and figure out what it is that I am really wanting.  I was stumped on this one and spent a lot of time on the couch fidgeting with my pen. Finally it was  clear to me that what I am looking for is entertainment and, most of all, fulfillment. I become certain that my life will be better and more complete once I am savoring a cookie.
I was surprised when I realized that I am looking for completeness. My cravings always felt as simple as- well, a craving. But as I spent time thinking about how God designed me to crave him I began wondering about how simple that craving was.
On page 30 of Made to Crave Lysa talks about trying to make the switch from answering cravings with food to answering cravings with God. She writes, "Each time I craved something I knew wasn't a part of my plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray. I craved a lot. So, I found myself praying a lot."  In all honesty, this paragraph made me a little sad. I still didn't want God to replace my pudding cup. From the beginning, it was clear that "God" was what makes the difference, but I think I was still hoping that I didn't actually have to incorporate him into my eating life. She invites us to write a prayer to him and this is what mine looked like:

Lord, you know I love you. I know that your way is the best way, and I am so thankful to be yours. You bring peace, and security, and wisdom, and joy. But I really don't believe that you bring fun.  I'm pretty sure that you aren't as fun as shopping for a pizza online. I often eat when I am bored and baking cookies and eating the batter is so entertaining! It seems like going to read the Bible would actually just make me more bored... I know that you bring joy, but I doubt that you bring FUN.            

Even though I may have doubts about how God can actually fill my cravings, I am reminded of the Matthew 17:20:

  "You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

         
Mustard seeds must be bigger in America, because even though God is my Lord, I don't think I have enough faith... yet.




Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

But... I Don't Want to Not Want Brownies...

Let's talk about how the whole Made to Crave thing began.

Sometime in April, 2011...
Sitting on the couch at my mom’s house . She tells me that she is down 3 lbs and is really excited about the way she’s doing it. A few weeks prior, she had told me that she and her sisters are reading Made to Crave but I hadn’t given it much thought. I certainly wasn’t interested in reading it. Tonight she tells me that she thinks this "Get-Skinny-Go-Round" might actually be different.

Our conversation loosely went like this:

Amy: This whole thing is different because I feel like I'm not having as many **battles** as I usually do. When I saw the Suzy Q I knew that it wasn't on my food plan so I didn't even think about eating it!

Erin's Inner Monologue: Well, I am not going to give up Suzy Q's.... I just want to lose weight and eat Suzy Q's at the same time.

Erin's Voice: Oh. Cool. Good for you. I definitely still want Suzy Q's.

Amy: It has become so clear to me that overeating is like looking at Jesus my savior, beaten, bloody, and dying on the cross and then turning around to the table behind me to say loving things to my precious Suzy Q. I am choosing a friendship with my Suzie Q instead of a friendship with my Lord,  who DIED for me, unlike my Suzie Q, who I am pretty sure would never do that ....

Erin's Inner Monologue: Oh come on, don't bring God into it. Isn't that a little extreme? Eating a Suzy Q isn't sinful.

Erin's Voice: So, you can't ever have a Suzy Q again, if you want to obey God?

Amy: No, that's not it. I'm changing. I've realized that I would rather be with God than have a Suzy Q.

Erin's Inner Monologue: Hm. Honestly, most days I would rather eat a Suzy Q. And I like wanting to eat Suzy Q's. They are fun. And yummy. And comforting. I don't want to not want them.

Erin's Voice:  Well, good luck with that. It sounds like a good diet for you.

Amy: It's funny, because this book isn't actually a diet. It's more of a "how to" diet. But even then, she strongly encourages us not to diet.  She addresses the issues we all have of knowing what we're supposed to do, but not wanting to do it. She talks about the days when you just want to eat everything in the whole world. 

Erin's Inner Monologue: Really? She said "wanting to eat everything in the whole world..." she knows about my preferred diet plan!  

Amy: She describes how God designed our bodies to crave. But he wants us to crave him. I can't even count the number of times I wasn't sure what I wanted to eat so I dug through the cupboards until I found chocolate chips, but half an hour later I went back to the chocolate chips because they didn't fill the craving.

Erin: Yeah... I'm always saying "I want to consume something... but what?"

Amy: Exactly. We recognize that we are craving something, but we keep misdiagnosing it with food! Which is why we are always going back for it!

Erin:  So...I'm confused again.  Eating is wrong? Food is sinful?

Amy: No. We are allowed to eat. And we are allowed to enjoy what we're eating. That's why we have "Food Plans" instead of diets.Our food plan is a realistic plan of healthy day to day eating. If we're eating something that isn't on our food plan, then it's a fleshly desire- a craving. 

Erin's Inner Monologue: So right now, I'm really wanting that left over pizza. But I'm not hungry for it, I can just hear it calling my name. Would eating it be wrong? I don't care, I'm going to go get that pizza. I'll eat it in the kitchen so my mom doesn't know.

Erin: Wow, Mom. This definitely sounds optimistic. I hope it works for you.

I still didn't want to bring God into dietary habits. I purposefully put him from my mind and tried eating any and all food ignoring the ideas that my mom planted.  But as I was opening different cupboards and checking the freezer again for a snack I kept being reminded that my body might be calling out for something else. I began thinking about my body as a different entity from my soul.  I thought about Jesus entering Jerusalem the week before he died as people hailed and rejoiced in him. He told his disciples, "If [the people] keep quiet, the rocks and the trees will cry out." (Luke 19:40)  In the same way, my body was crying out to God because I (my soul) was not.

By the end of the week I wasn't sure if I could continue to ignore my bodily cravings and maintain my current relationship with God.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

**Glutton's Dictionary**

Battle: Strongly desiring a particular food but knowing that you shouldn't eat it.

Introduction: I Eat

       I have always struggled with my weight. I was always a curvy girl but in high school I got a job at Hardee's and very quickly gained lots of curvy-ness.
 The rest of my journey looks something like this, and I'm better you'll understand every ebb and flow:

High School..... Post High School/Single..... Married My Man......Baby One....Baby Two............ Made to Crave Happened/Today

This blog is going to be a very open, honest, embarrassing, and realistic look at food addiction. I am going to describe why I just had to eat the brownie. I am going to relive the soft crumbly warm melting of a cookie on my tongue. I am going to say out loud all the reasons why I deserved to eat everything on my plate and dessert on top. And then I am going to publish my shame and regret as I acknowledge my Savior, who has already freed me from my earthly cravings.


In this blog I am hoping to reach out to my fellow women. I am asking you to be my accountability partner and I am hoping you will make me yours.


Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com