My God,
My God. It feels so hypocritical to say that. Even as I come to you today to get things in order, to set them right, to get my feet back on the ground, I am trying to think up all the things I should quickly go out and buy before I need to hold to my budget again. I am thinking of eating one more handful of anything before I straighten up my act. Merciful Savior, I need help. I've faltered and now I'm stuck in a confused and depressed mindset.
I know where I went wrong. My pride. I felt proud and strong. I felt frustrated with my mom for not seeing things as black and white as I do. I wanted to whip her into shape. And then she asked me about my shopping. And, Sir, you know that I have been working so hard at staying on budget, planning my purchases, and making my money count. Technically I hadn't broken any rules-yet. But I admitted honestly to her that I am still struggling with talking myself into buying things; that I am just barely staying within the budget and it's only the first week of the month. When I saw her look of relief- that she wasn't alone, that I still have a big weakness- oh boy- my pride burned. I can still feel that shame boiling in my chest. I even resented her a little bit. That was it. The next day I ate whatever I wanted and I bought everything I have been waiting for. I kept telling myself that I am in control and that I am not weak; that the reason I was doing this was because I did not have a problem with it. What a ridiculous lie I was believing. I still don't really understand how I could justify that behavior. And I suppose that I actually couldn't, which is why I haven't been able to come to you.
And I've missed you, my Lord. For the last two weeks, as I've been living in the delusion of my own power, I've missed you! I understand so much more clearly how sin deafens us.
I've known that I need to sit down and be with you. But every time I bow my head or take a moment of silence, I feel like I just can't find you. You seem distant right now.
Please. Please come to me. Make your voice loud and clear. Give me your power so I can stand on my feet again. Take me into the promised land, so that you can straighten my clothes, comb my hair, and remind me why I can't rely on my own power.
There are so many things I want to pray about right now. I need help teaching, training, and shaping Tommy. I need focus, to *see* Benji and all that he is. I need you to quiet my tongue, so that I can listen to my husband. I want to talk to you about the desires of my heart, but I can't come to you with any of this while Caramel Cheesecake and Yoga Pants are ordering me around.
Please, come free me, My Lord.
