A Conversation With a Girl Named Amy

This is an unexpected blog, that I am writing quickly before I head to bed. I just really wanted to share a glimpse of what this process looks like on a random night.

Last week my mom and I put to paper the lies that we often believe that cause us to leave our food plans. With those lies we wrote down the truth, and then we backed it up with scripture. One of the lies that my mom wrote was, "I feel too tired to do this. I don't care anymore." We spent a lot of time on this one trying to figure out what the truth actually was; she did feel tired at the end of a long workday. We decided that the truth had to be that she actually does care. Maybe not right this minute, but deep-down she does care, and she will certainly care tomorrow.  Along with that truth she wrote down scripture that she likes:

Isaiah 45:23 "I will go before you and level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." 

She chose that scripture because we both got chills reading it. It's just such a beautiful declaration: God- the creater of all- will level his mountains for me- ME! 

Well this week was difficult for my mom so she was pulling out those truths often. We just had a phone conversation, and I wanted to share it with you.

Amy: I feel like I have been so confused about the truths this week. Every day there was a little something that I ate that wasn't on my food plan.
Erin: Well, what lies have you been believing this week? What has lured you to eat the wrong things?
Amy: I don't know! I guess it's the one that I feel really tired and I just don't care anymore. But I would sit and think about it- and try to remember the truth, and I thought, "I really, really, just don't care." I even tried to use the scripture and I ended up praying to God, "Don't worry about those mountains, you don't have to go out of your way for me today."
Erin: Hmm. Shoot. So obviously that defense isn't working. We need to find a different verse... and maybe a different truth. Could it be that Satan is whispering in your ear that you are tired, but actually you are just fine?
Amy: Well... I AM really tired, though. After such a long, busy, and stressful day I don't want to make myself a healthy broccoli omelet- I just want whatever is on the counter- regardless of the calories.
Erin: Yeah. What abo-
Amy: I know! Tired, Shmired! It doesn't matter how I feel. I need to obey no matter what. I'll use the verse, Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"

As I have realized that my food issue isn't a physical battle, but rather a spiritual one, I have been reminded over and over again of Ephesians 6. Paul tells us to put on the armor of God, so that we can fight against the devil's strategies or schemes. What strikes me the most is that we need the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Eph. 6:17). When we need to attack Satan and the lies he is feeding us, we need to use our sword- the sword of God's word.  If we keep getting knocked down using a particular verse, then we need to find a different sword- maybe a lighter and pointy-er one, or a chunky one with lots of little spikes.

How Much Do Socks Really Weigh?

Number, Numbers, Numbers. I suppose that after all this talk about getting the food obsessions under control you're all wondering how the numbers are looking? I would gladly publicize my numbers except that I don't know if they will do any good. Lysa points out that to some, my number may be "horrifyingly high" and to others is may be a "dream weight." Either way, the actual numbers themselves might be more of an encouragement if they are kept secret.  I will say that I have lost 37 pounds at this point and I am five pounds away from my "dream" weight-which I thought was just a crazy dream. I am a nursing mother, (which is a big reason I didn't choose to count calories as my food plan) so the weight fell off fairly quickly once I started obeying what it was asking for and how much of it it wanted. Losing those pounds so quickly really helped me stay focused and encouraged every week. I don't think I could have effectively changed my mind so quickly without the immediate reward of the weight loss. Which is why I applaud my mom with a standing ovation. She has lost 30 pounds and she has had to struggle with the weight coming off more slowly or not coming off at all for periods of time (that seemed to drag on forever).  If there was a week when my number hadn't gone down I would have to spend a lot of time focusing on the bigger picture and there were times when I just wanted to give up (another lie from Satan: "You're not losing weight anymore, what's the point of obeying if you're not losing weight....") In comparison my mom has stayed focused even as her accountability partner drew a steeper line down the weight graph than she gets to. That takes some serious resolve.
Usually after the weekly weigh-in we would have to remind ourselves of the real issues of Made to Crave and the whole food battle.The real issue is the heart issue. I laugh as I write that because when I began opening my mind up to Made to Crave I was motivated solely and exclusively by weight loss. I couldn't imagine anything else surpassing that. As I went through the book and I began to realize that I made food an idol, I also realized that I have two additional pedestals in my life that are as big an issue as food is. The first biggie is shopping (oh, boy!- there is a completely different Pandora's box!) and the next was weight loss. I wanted to weigh myself every day, and sometimes twice a day. I wanted to measure my successes and failures based on the numbers on the scale, and I often stepped off the scale to shed what weight I could in the bathroom, nurse my baby, and de-robe to see if I could get those numbers to change. I ended up adding a rule to my food plan, and that was that I am only allow to weigh myself once a week. The week I added that rule, I realized just how often my thoughts wondered about my weight. It could absolutely be classified as an obsession. Lysa devotes a whole chapter to this persuasion. She challenges us to ask ourselves a list of questions to gauge our successes instead of using the numbers on the scale. These questions are taken from the Participants Guide (72):

• Did I overeat this week on any day?
• Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration?
• Did I feel that, at any time, I ran to food instead of God?
• Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I'd had a successful, God-pleasing week?

I had a handful of weeks when I answered these questions as a failure and I still had lost some weight. As happy as I was that the numbers changed, I still felt embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like I was still in bondage to food, and I took very little joy out of the weight loss that week.

Lysa writes that at one point she felt like God was saying to her: "I am not taking you on this journey because I need you to weigh less. I am taking you on this journey because I desire you to be healthy in every sense of the word" (71).  So when I would step on the scale after a "fail" week, and I would have lost a pound or two, I would turn a corner of my mouth down, bow my head humbly, offer a bashful thank you to God, and realize even more that the real issues of my food battle, is my obedience to him.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

The Anatomy of a FAIL

I have nearly every other paragraph underlined as I read the through the meat of Made to Crave. She very clearly identifies my real issues of overeating...

•             ...but then you're invited to a party. Your friends are quick to say, "Oh come on, just one won't hurt. This is a special day." And that cheesecake does look good. The tortilla chips and salsa are irresistible. This is a special night. You can just start again tomorrow. Or this weekend. Or Monday. Or the first of next month [...] It is so tempting to give in...Pretend it won't matter (49).

She tells me there is a way out of the vicious circle of dieting or being unhappy with my weight...

•             It's the denial of a fundamental spiritual truth that will make a healthy eating plan fall apart time and time again (49).

•             We were made for more than this[!]...more than being ruled by taste buds(49).

•             We are made for the same hope and power that raised Christ from the dead (55).

And then she tells me that now that I have seen the truth, I can't just walk away and continue my spiritual journey at status quo...

•             [Becoming] a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control (60).

•             "That food choice is permissible but not beneficial- so don't eat it." Food isn't sinful. But when food is what Satan holds up in front of us and says, "You'll never be free from this battle. You will always bounce from feeling deprived when you're dieting to feeling guilty when you're splurging. Victory isn't possible. You aren't capable of self-control with food," we must see that its inappropriate consummation can be his lure to draw our heart into a place of defeat. For others it will be sex outside of marriage, the inappropriate consumption of alcohol, illegal drugs, or some other physical means (61).

•             Their destiny is destruction; their god is their stomachs... (Philippians 3:19) (65).

These are the passages that meant something to me and so I wanted to share them. They may not mean the same thing to you- I know my mom has many different passages underlined in her book, but I really wanted to write about the culminating truth that I gathered after reading these passages.  And that is that I am not in a constant state of war, or addiction, or deprivation. I’ve just been deceived into confusion.  I needed to identify the steps that take me into that state of depraved confusion and so... viola:

STEP ONE: BELIEVE A LIE

I have always known that some of Satan's names are King of Lies and the Deceiver, but I never really knew it. He is such a crafty liar! Oh. My. Word. These are common lies that I get snagged on:

             I won't enjoy myself at events if I'm not enjoying the food...

             Food will make my bad day better...

             Those kinds of candy bars are only offered once a year...

             I have done so well all week, I can 'have off' for supper tonight...

             It's not fair that I can't eat like my skinny friends...

             I worked so hard on this meal, I deserve to eat it...

             We spent so much money on this food and I can't take it home with me, so I shouldn't waste it...

             I made the food plan, I can change the food plan...

As my mom and I would talk about why were went off our food plan, we would get embarrassed as we were saying- out loud- our justifications, which seemed so petty and foolish, especially outside the moment of indulgence. The more I recognized the "justifications" to eat something off of my food plan, the more I realized that Satan works very hard to deceive me into being a slave to food.

STEP TWO: INSERT EAR PLUGS

It's amazing how quickly I can get ear plugs in my ears so that I can't hear the Spirit's soft guidance. I can shut out His voice and cling to whatever lie is being dangled in front of me. The quicker I get those ear plugs in, the less the lie seems like a lie and looks more like common sense... as long as I don't give it too much thought.

STEP THREE: EAT FAST, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT

When I am shoveling food into my mouth I realize that that is a symptom that I am in the middle of the FAIL Process. I want to eat the rest of my plate before the Spirit's voice breaks through my ear plugs, and I make sure to avoid the people who help me see the truth. Sometimes that means hanging out in the kitchen long enough for me to finish chewing so that my mom or my husband won't know that I have eaten something. Often that means that I keep my eyes on my bowl of chili instead of taking part in conversation around the table. 

Example of the Process:  Today I am finally baking my sourdough bread (made from scratch) and we are honoring the snow with beef stew. Around 11 am my stomach is roaring and I am ready to eat lunch. As I look at the cookbook for the next step up bread making I realize that I still have two more hours to wait while the dough needs to rest and rise for the zillionth time. I decide to join my two year old for a small macaroni and cheese lunch while the 'adult' meal finishes up. Two hours later the bread smells delicious and the stew is done. I let "the guys" (my husband and brother-in-law) know but they decide to take their time coming to the table. I'm feeling a little relieved because my stomach is growling yet (still processing the mac and cheese) so I head to the couch to read my book. Five minutes later the guys are up and dishing their food. I take a breath. I'm not supposed to join them, I'm not hungry yet. I go to look in the crock pot to check on it and I slice some bread for the guys. I decide that I'm due to be hungry anytime now and I want to sit with a couple of adults and share the experience of Stew And Bread. I worked SO hard the bread and it's not fair that I can't enjoy it fresh out of the oven [Step one: believe the lies! The truth is that I can sit at the table and enjoy adult conversation without food in my mouth, and I will be able to enjoy all my hard work if I just wait 45 minutes longer]. As I scoop my bowl and cut my bread I turn my mind off, and keep my thoughts away from the action at hand [Step Two: insert ear plugs]. I start eating and purposefully avoid my husband’s gaze just in case he is going to do his job as my partner and verify that I am allowed to partake [Step 3: eat fast, don't make eye contact].

The thing is- I didn't enjoy the stew. I've gotten so accustomed to adding the best ingredient of hunger to everything I eat that it didn't taste good, and I didn't actually even like the flavoring. But I had turned my brain off and was in the middle of mindlessly eating- just the way Satan wants me to be.

Recognizing that my food addiction, my problem with gluttony, my love of food is all just one big masterpiece that Satan has been working on for years was one of the many truths that made me feel free. It made me feel empowered! My eating is not a problem within me- it's just directed at me. It's not within my nature to have this problem, I am free of it. And just like I say "No" to Satan when he urges me to steal, or lie, or kick over garbage cans, I can also say "No" to him when he wants me to eat something off of my food plan. Whenever I am looking at a piece of food, or hankering for a second helping of macaroni, or fantasizing about making bread I ask myself, "What lie am I believing right now?" Sometimes I have a hard time pin-pointing the lie. I'll call out a little prayer to God, and sometimes I'll hear his answer, but sometimes the voice in my head beckoning me is too loud, so I'll need to get a hold of my mom (quickly) so she can help pinpoint the lie. Once I've found that lie it is SO EASY to say NO to cupcakes, or second helpings.

Example of the interrupting the Process: I'm on my way to Subway to pick the family up some dinner. I can't stop thinking about the cookies there. I think, "The reason I put cookies on my No No Food Plan is because I was eating so much of them that I just had to get it under control. It's been months since I've had a cookie, and I am only seven pounds away from my goal weight. I'm just going to change my food plan to allow an occasional cookie. I'm not worshipping the cookie; I am very in control of my actions. I am thinking through this process and I'm not being frivolous [lie]. Cookies are officially allowed. And I'm going to get one tonight." [earplugs] My mantra "What lie am I believing right now?" flitted through my mind before I put both ear plugs in and I called my mom to tell her that my food plan is officially changed. She said that, True, I can change my food plan, but I should do it tomorrow, when I am not hearing the voice of the cookie in my head, and that I shouldn't get the cookies tonight. I was believing the lie that I deserved the cookie after losing some weight, and the lie that I clear-headed enough to change my food plan at that moment.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com

The Blood and Guts of the Fight

Scenario: Family get together at the cabin. The goals of the weekend are to relax, have fun, and enjoy each other's company. I don’t attend the McDowell family get together just for the food, but it is something I always look forward to. My sister-in-law always has a mouthwatering dish for each meal, and she invited me into the world of a perfectly made chocolate chip cookie. We all pile around a couple of dining room tables and enjoy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners with lots of laughter and conversation. I can always look forward to the hearty meals and delicious desserts (along with great company) at those family gatherings. And I always take the weekend “off” for any dieting. So while we are heading to the cabin just a few weeks into my new eating philosophies, I was wondering about my Food Plan. Surely I don’t have to obey the rule about no cookies; and it would be so rude to not eat according to the meal schedule with everyone else. It seems perfectly acceptable to not worry about what is going in my mouth on such a special weekend.
I had a long talk with my mom before traveling. To fully prepare and equip me for battle, we had to identify the lies we often believe about food: Food makes things more fun. Food makes me happy. Eating whatever I want in whatever quantity I want perfectly natural during a weekend with family.

We replaced them with the truths we’ve been discovering: Food does not equal fun: it can, and often does, make me fat and sick. Food does not make me happy: socializing makes me happy and food can, and often does, make me feel guilty and depressed. Eating whatever I want, in whatever quantity I want it is a fleshly indulgence,it is letting food rule my decisions and actions, replacing God.

I am so thankful to my family for not making that weekend more difficult than it needed to be. They encouraged me as I sat at the dinner table with an empty plate, just waiting and waiting for my stomach to growl so I could join in. They didn’t offer or push any NO-NO foods on me (though I knew exactly where they were on the counter top nearly the whole weekend). They were a major stepping stone in helping me break free of my slavery to food in any and every event. But it was still a very private, hard battle.

I can’t tell you the rest of the weekend without telling you about the song I need to sing nearly all of the time as my main weapon of defense. It is Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans. Nearly every word gives me strength: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KsfwvpcQhY

I’m trading my sorrows (over being overweight, and not fitting into my clothing)
I’m trading my shame (of how I look in shorts and a bathing suit)
I’m laying them down, for the joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness (after eating too much)
I’m trading my pain (after eating too much)
I’m laying them down, for the joy of the Lord

And I say, Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord (I will obey you, the system you made for my body to eat healthily)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord (I will obey your command that I have no other gods before you)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord, Amen. (No more argument, no more fighting, I will walk away.)

I am pressed, but not crushed, (this is really hard!)
Persecuted, not abandoned, (really, really hard!!)
Struck down, but not destroyed. (I totally just licked the batter)
I am blessed beyond this curse, his promises endure, (I’m sorry. You have made me stronger than this, I can do this with you)
His joy will be my strength (The peace and joy you offer is a much better return that getting seconds of lasagna)

And I say, Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord, (I will obey you, the system you made for my body to eat healthily)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord(I will obey you command that I have no other gods before you)
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord, Amen. (No more argument, not more fighting, I will walk away.)

At one point I was standing in the kitchen at the counter, looking at three different kinds of cookies. Silently I sang this song three times. Yes, three. I ended up sighing heavily and walking outside with my two year old where I could sing that song out loud.

Whenever a specific food calls my name I sing the chorus to myself (“Yes, Lord; yes, Lord; yes, yes, Lord”). If I am still itching to put one more scoop on my plate past my serving size I sing the entire song- over and over until I walk away in victory. The bridge to that song makes me cry, and it is simply "La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la,la la" but as I'm turning my back on the food that it outside of my plan I sing that part loudly and victorious.

I sang that song a lot that weekend. But the entire experience was so eye-opening to me; I can enjoy the weekend just as much, if not more, without the food. That thought boggles my mind every day. It's such a foreign concept. It's such a FREEING TRUTH.

Please email me as you take your journey and I pray that God will revolutionize our hearts together.
erinconfesses@yahoo.com